mrs hardly & the case of the spotted blog

New starts

2007-04-03T20:21:00.000+10:00

In the unlikely event that anyone at all is still checking in here, I've started blogging again after the almost-12-months break here.

Updates will undoubtedly be slow and less-than-regular.

And very belated thanks to everyone for reading Mrs Hardly while she was around.

the concussion nearly knocked the boys off their ponies.

2006-05-21T21:33:00.000+10:00

Poor Fenton is quite ill with a cold, I fear I am getting his illness too, so am guzzling down the echinacea and vitamin C in a probably fruitless attempt to prevent it taking hold.

In terribly exciting news - I have almost completed the dreaded report that I have been putting off (read: far too busy) since the beginning of the year, but which had a deadline of Friday, which I managed to extend until Monday (and of which I am now going to have to extend until Wednesday because I need Professorial input, and he is off lecturing aka warping young minds). The relief is completely, utterly, deliciously amazing!

We're currently participating in the annual harldy viewing of Eurovision (as an aside, wasn't 2005 supposed to be Terry Wogan's last?). Either I'm getting old, am ill, or this year's contest is utterly boring (well, except for the winners).

Perhaps next week I can get around to making that list o' stuff I mentioned previously, and return to the wonders of The Year 2000.

Oh, and sadly, Nancy did not have her braces removed (personal crisis of the Dentist's). Surprisingly she took it rather well. The appointment has been re-made for Tuesday - bits crossed for no crisis.

I think my breaker gif may be a little too large/intense - rework may be required.

"we'd better tie him on," joe panted as he pulled some rope from his pockets.

2006-05-15T18:38:00.000+10:00

So, I had this cunning idea of making a list of all of those projects which have fallen by the wayside and decide which would be worth pursuing and which best abandoning - I figured if I had realistic projects it would stop me feeling so grumpish and overwhelmed.

I began by finally buying photo paper and printing out some photographs of my babies to decorate my miserable little cubicle (something I had been telling myself I'd do for months now). So that was one thing down - without even writing the list!

But then I went to work today and golly, so very much work, so very much stress. I have about 5 projects (projects which would ordinarily take a week each) due on Friday, which would be fine if I did not also have a couple of half day meetings scheduled for this week.

How on earth do people in high powered / demanding roles cope with this sort of thing and not go completely mental? And still manage to be widely read and cook fabulous meals and have wonderfully interesting lives (and are not insane at all). I totally marvel at it.

I think I need a plan.

And some more lists.

And some deep breaths.

And a plan.

In other news, Nancy allegedly has her braces removed tomorrow.

<edited to add> and a new breaker gif crossed off the imaginary list.

well, until I tire of it...

"come on. we'll give him a good massage," frank suggested.

2006-05-14T20:59:00.000+10:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is your all stations to Bondi Junction service, the next station will be Wolli Creek ... on behalf of Cityrail, I'd like to wish you a pleasant evening and to all the mothers on board, "Happy Mothers' Day"."
5.20pm all stations to Bondi Junction train from Hurstville

Ahhh, Mothers Day - one of those manufactured gift-giving occasions that I'm totally contemptuous of, but which my children insist on celebrating¹. And might I say that I did rather nicely out of the occasion.

From Nancy (purchased with her hard earned dosh):

From Bess (made by her own wee hand!):

From Joe/Frank (drawn by his own wee hand - I adore small boys drawings):

¹When Nancy asked what I would like for a gift, my response was, "for you to do your homework & keep your room clean", but strangely, she wasn't terribly keen on the idea.

he taught them a few icelandic words, which, if muttered repetitively, would fool any foreigner.

2006-05-13T14:09:00.000+10:00

It's a babies weekend here in Hardly land, as a consequence I am sitting on the couch using the Frankenlaptop (which, you may recall, Fenton created after cobbling two dead laptops together).

Frankenlaptop is rather light on anything other than essential software (mozilla and office) and because I am too lazy to actually locate our photoshop software, I decided to give some FOSS a bash and download the very unfortunately named GIMP. So far it works an absolute treat - for what I want it to do, which admittedly isn't terribly complicated.

Given that I am using a computer where I can actually view all of the trackers on my blog (I had completely forgotten I had so many trackers, how vain I must appear!), I thought I'd share the most recent list of keywords:

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Fenton is currently in Noo York - a first visit for him (needless to say I have not been there either - because I've not been anywhere at all¹) & he is quietly enthusiastic about it, he even went so far as to say he wouldn't mind returning (which is high praise indeed). He is armed with a rather sizeable make-up shopping list for Nancy (prices are around half of those here) and a request for The Rockford Files Season 1 on DVD for me, because I simply cannot get enough of cool 70s television.

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I've been feeling rather unsettled and out of sorts lately, I feel as though I'm not achieving a great deal and am beating myself up a little (well, okay, a lot) about it. Primarily - the projects (both at work & at home) in my head which I never begin, the "stuff" I stockpile "just in case" for aforesaid projects, the exercise I promise myself I will undertake, the exotic things I plan to cook.

Essentially I think I need to give myself a good mental shake & a good talking to and to throw some stuff away (I know I will feel better if I divest myself of these things - oh golly, I sound like a member of the insidious flylady cult²)

8<----------

I think I need to develop something a little more sophisticated than my rather lame ascii scissors as a breaker between topics.

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¹I'm not one of these totally aggravating types who proclaim, "Oh, I haven't been anywhere" and follow up with an, "but I found travelling in <name of remote exotic locale #1> so much more rewarding than <name of remote exotic locale #2> or <name of remote exotic locale #4378>" - I truly haven't been anywhere at all (thus exploding any misconceptions you may have held of Mrs Hardly: world traveller).

²This has to be the most wacked out thing ever (you need to scroll down to the testimonial for the full horror.

"chet, have you gone wacky?" joe asked.

2006-05-11T19:37:00.000+10:00

Today I totally lost my mind and provided The Professor with the Biggest Clue Ever to how to locate my blog.

I'm not too worried if he does, he is infintely less of a pompous twit than he was when he first joined Marie Celeste and think he would respect my privacy.

However, I doubt that he will end up here, because he lacks the m4d observational sk1llz of world renowned detective, Fenton Hardy.

I said that he might find it if he searched for the best series of books ever. On at least two occasions, within his hearing, I have spoken of the total coolness of the wacky antics of Joe, Frank, Chet, Biff, Aunt Gertrude, Mr Hardy, Mrs Hardy, Tony Prito and those random friends who make an occasional appearance. But I am fairly certain that this didn't even register on the radar.

So, in the unlikely event that he actually visits: "Hi Professor".

<edited to add> Actually, it may not be as easy as I thought it would be, I'm on page 3 of a technorati seach, and I gave up at page 8 of google.

"i'll bet he's been drugged!" joe cried out. "holy toledo!"

2006-05-07T11:11:00.000+10:00

The Year 2000: A Framework for the speculation on the next thirty-three years.

Mrs Hardly's way cool blog project - Part 1

Note: I had orginally planned to approach this project in a fairly methodical way, carefully summarising each chapter and tossing in some commentary. However, after attempting to read the introduction and first chapter, I'm not sure that careful summaries are the best approach, so the project will be done in a fairly ad hoc fashion - I'll pick out the best bits and omit the boring, because the less essay-like this ends up - the better. This may mean the project is rather shorter than I'd anticipated, because there seems to be a very large amount of The Boring contained within the 425+ pages.

The intro, by Daniel Bell, "Chairman of the Commission on the Year 2000, American Academy of Arts & Sciences", begins intriguingly - he talks about a series of books called "Today and Tomorrow", published by Keegan Paul / E P Dutton in the 1920s. These actually sound incredibly cool and I'd love to get my hands on some of them. Bell obviously doesn't think they are anywhere remotely as cool as I do, he is quite contemptuous of the majority of the volumes, because they are "fanciful", have a "puckish" tone and "lack seriousness". He goes so far as to label the volumes on society as "feeble" and is particularly scathing about JFC Fuller's Atlantis, America and the future, where Fuller predicts the US will be plunged into a religious war in the distant future, which Bell obviously thinks ridiculous. Hmmmmm, who is feeble now Mr Bell?

This goes on for many, many pages and really, I've not experienced such a high level of, what can only be described as, bitchiness in such a scholarly work before, and as we all know, I love me some snark and I never, ever thought that I would find anything to be too snarky¹. Thank gods Mr Bitchy has only written the introduction, because if this was his book it would be consigned, mostly unread, to a Charity Shop somewhere in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney quicker than you could say "Mr Bell, you are a real tool". And I really hope that Herman and The Wiener are not the same pompous, loathesome dickheads that Mr Bitchy appears to be or this project will come to a rather abrupt conclusion.

Anyway, the point of the bitchiness is soon obvious. Because, you see, all previous predictions of the future have been flawed and wrong, for they lack the benefit of Sophisticated New Methodologies - like statistical time-series and modelling and controls and a whole lot of other stuff which I am going to spare you from and this all makes me rather hate statistics (and I generally think statistics rock) and I am beginning rather loathe Mr Bitchy.

I am very glad when the introduction ends - Mr Bitchy uses Machiavelli's argument that half men's lives are ruled by chance and the other by the men themselves to conclude that the Sophisticated New Methodologies will endeavour to have chance more or less omitted from the what-rules-men's-lives equation.

While reading, I'm thinking, all the while, that I really should cast caution to the wind and tell The Professor the URL of my blog, because he lives for this shit. But I realise that this would probably be a Really Bad Idea (however I might gift the book to him when I am done).

Next up: the actual book (where I hope there is some decent content).

¹Yes, I'm aware of the irony of snarking about something being too snarky, but hey, this is a blog, not something that purports to be a scholarly vision of the future and wants to be taken seriously.

biff looked closely at him. "he isn't right. look, frank, his eyes are dilated." chet's head lolled as if he was in a stupor.

2006-05-06T10:03:00.000+10:00

Drama aplenty in the past week at Marie Celeste.

Firstly, we were all (sans 400 year old man) dragged into the Dept
Cool-until-you-are-in-it Manager's office with door closed and informed that my nemisis (400 year old man, of course) would be leaving us in four weeks (four weeks too long in my opinion). And there was much rejoicing, so very much rejoicing.

It's performance review time and I have been having quite a stressful time completing my very lengthy review form - fortunately Dept-Cool-until-you-are-in-it-Manager is not terribly obsessed with having these things being done perfectly (or at all) and gave me a very good rating (hopefully this will express itself in some sort of remunerative fashion, for everyone else in Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it receives almost double my salary).

And I cannot begin to describe how overwhelmed I am with every day work crap.

Yesterday, at around 11am, we all received an email announcing a staff meeting at 3.15pm, where an Important Announcement about re-focussing Marie Celeste would be made. Naturally, this lead to very little work and many wild conspiracy theories being tossed about for the rest of the day - because no-one, not even the Managers, knew what the meeting was about (but really, deep down, we all thought it would be something quite lame, despite desperately wanting something awesome to happen).

Our lameness fears seemed to be realised when the meeting started off with the usual "we're fast growing, revenues are increasing ... blah, blah, blah ... yawn". Then the bombshells started coming - total shake-up of the whole company structure, one GM (who has been there for 10 years & is fairly popular) made redundant, our witchy fem-bot GM "discussing her options", our witchy fem-bot GM with actual, real, tears in her eyes. (Who knew fem-bots had tear-ducts built in? The cynical amongst us suspected she used some form of eye drop in an attempt to appear more human). It was way cool - particularly as the secret has been kept so well.

Afterward, most of us retired to the pub next door, and truly, there have never been such a happy bunch of people after a re-structuring. Everyone was smiling, joking, happy - it was totally surreal. I drank far, far too much (with most of my alcohol supplied by the last GM standing) and am feeling rather seedy today.

I look forward to more good times on Monday!

8<-------------

In other news, Nancy was being rather trying due to her half yearly exams, and stressing because she has done very little study, and then stressing because if she does badly, she won't get into University.

Hmmmm, have I not been saying this every single day for the last year? The horrors of teenage children - no matter what you tell them, no matter what advice you give (from bitter, bitter experience), they will. not. listen. They "have to work it out for themselves". Personally, I think that given the amount of times I have been proven right over the course of her life, she could saved an awful lot of time just following my advice, rather than "finding things out for herself".

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Many apologies to the lovely anyresemblance for my utter slackness in emailing to catch-up. I've been rather overwhelmed.

And apologies to anyone hanging out for the first instalment of my way cool blogging project, which has kind of been put off due to aforementioned overwhelmedness. I promise to have something up before the weekend is out.

"i've got my own special ghost," gummi declared. "he travels with me all the time."

2006-04-25T20:38:00.000+10:00

I'm madly jealous of those who have way cool projects on their blogs.

So I'm attempting a way cool project of my very own - which might take me out of my current rut.

I bought this book second-hand a couple of years ago, I can't even begin to remember where (I think it cost me about $1.00).

I thought it was divine - in no small part because it was written in the year of my birth.

I can't even begin to convey how much I adore 60's imaginings of a future that I'm living in - Space 1999, for example, is a wonderful thing indeed.

And here are the authors...

Really, could you get any more hip??

From the dustjacket:

The Year 2000 draws a comprehensive and imaginative picture of the shape of probable, possible and nightmare worlds that will present new challenges in the dawn of a second millenium. Such forecasting demands the vision of both art and science. Economics, demography, history and political science, sociology and the physical sciences have all provided statistics, projections and "surprise-free" information about the massive changes that will condition the quality of human existance and the nature of society in the United States and the world.

The "hardware" of the future is an obvious extension of present technology: governments will know more about the individual than his own family. His life will be recorded in a central computer bank beginning with his birth and covering his education, his employment history and his personal activities (through local input terminals, the computer will reach into the home, the supermarket and every other area of activity). Parents will select the sex and personal characteristics of their children through genetic control. The main line of national defense will be in outer space. The great cities of Boswash, Chipitts and San-San will sprawl from Boston to Washington, Chicago to Pittsburgh and San Francisco to San-Diego.

Excellent, huh? I don't really know why this has been sitting, unread, on my bookshelf for years.

A quote from Nancy, "Oh, I tried to read that book. You'd think it would be really exciting, but it was really dull."

She's right, I've flicked through it and it is mightily dull. For instance, the first paragraph contains "heuristic", "propaedeutic" and "paradigmatic".

But my intention is to plough on through the dullness and post about what Herman and The Wiener thought life would be like in 2000 - and, of course, if they were right.

Hopefully it will provide some laughs. Especially about the "nightmare worlds".

Given the life-span of my previous projects, who knows how long this will last?

Carry on.

"what's yow, yow?" chet wanted to know. "it means, yes, yes, spelled ja," gummi told him.

2006-04-25T20:03:00.000+10:00

Spurgan Morlock¹ (our token American in Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it²) decided that our Department should all head out for an impromptu lunch yesterday (sans 400 year old man, of course - we took my lesbian lover with us instead).

So we toddled off to have fish and chips at The Lord Roberts Hotel. We lounged about on the back terrace, the fish and chips were excellent and a lovely time was had by all - even more lovely because John Bull (our token Englishman) discovered that fish and chips are $5 on Mondays. Excellent! We're thinking of making it a regular recovery venue after our super-horrible weekly meetings.

8<-------------

After much careful crafting, late Monday afternoon I sent a calm, measured, professional response to 400 year old man's email where I completely ignored his jerkiness. Of course I am a complete coward, so I sent it after he had left for the day. Many thanks must go to The Professor, my lesbian lover and Brigit Jones (Manager of Dept Freak) for their m4d proofreading/editing sk1llz.

I think my Manager will regret coming in tomorrow - for I plan to speak quite plainly about 400 year old man's bullying/abusive ways.

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Note to self: never gloat about rank in footy tipping. I got a big 2 right last week.

8<-------------

I've installed a new tracking tool, as recommended by the lovely Flashman - in the hope that I could actually check site stats (oh! the vanity!) - for some reason I cannot see any tracking tools when I check my blog on my computer, on any browser or even with the firewall down. So far, looks very nice indeed.

And woo hoo! - 3 visitors (and one of them is me!).

8<-------------

After vowing that I would under no circumstances would I watch Big Brother this year, I, once again, found myself sucked into watching the first episode. I really wished I hadn't when I saw that one of the contestants keeps the hair from every haircut since she was 14 in a tupperware container, almost everyone is a promotional model and there are a mother and daughter in the house who have matching boob jobs.

The horror.

8<-------------

¹Massively lame, I know.

²Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it is quite the United Nations, with me being the token Australian - despite numerous upsizes/downsizes and changes in staff. Well, the token until 400 year old man turned up, but he is hardly human, so doesn't count.

Titles courtesy of: Hardy Boys: The Arctic Patrol Mystery (No. 2)

testing

2006-04-24T21:16:00.000+10:00

123

"how about you guys going to the kitchen and rustling up something for the inner man? make mine milk and ham sandwiches."

2006-04-23T12:06:00.000+10:00

And there was much rejoicing yesterday, as we are now 3 adults in the Hardly Haus.

And there was cake!

And there was much giftage: esprit pants, brown boots, converse sneakers and an lcd tv/monitor.

We are toying with going out to buy a rather large vintagey dressing table we spied yesterday at a second hand furniture store in Bondi Junction. However, it's causing all sorts of bother working out how it would actually fit in Nancy's bedroom.

8<-------------------

After gloating about my tipping successes, I'm now 1 from 4 - ack!

Personally, I blame 400 year old man for putting me off my game (of course it could never be my complete tipping ineptitude!).

8<-------------------

While the babies were here on holidays, I purchased some eggs, so that we might try a new biscuit recipe.

The eggs were from Sunny Queen Farms and when I opened the box, I found this:

It made me smile.

"now i get it. this hideous mask is a form of psychological warfare. it sure can scare the wits out of a victim."

2006-04-21T22:05:00.000+10:00

I attempted to photograph and then scan my hand to illustrate the following anecdote, however, neither worked terribly well, so please imagine there is an image here of a bony, freckled hand with "TIPS" written on it in large purple letters.

imagine image of bony, freckled hand here

This was, naturally, to remind me to put in my footy tips for this weekend. I didn't want to forget, because, gentle reader, I am coming FIRST in our work footy (AFL) tipping - FIRST! ME!

It's all very exciting (and incredibly shocking and miraculous and all that) and best of all, it lets me lord it over the boys. And lord it I must, for this spectacular run cannot continue for long (especially as I tipped Carlton tonight and they are losing big time) and obviously I must make the most of my success by getting in maximum gloating while I can.

(update: gloating minimal, I've been knocked off the top already - stupid Carlton)

8<-------------------------

In scary news, I was watching The Biggest Loser earlier in the week - you'd think the scary would stop there, but no.

The remaining contestants were trying on their dream outfits. Fiona put on her dream outfit and it was the exact dress I was wearing that very morning.

Why anyone's dream dress would be something that cost me $9.99 from Portmans, is rather beyond me.

8<-------------------------

In crap news, on my first day back at work today, I became entagled in a disagreement with 400 year old man - where he ranted and raved and generally implied that I was a complete moron (about a subject so inane, it would take your breath away). This went on for over 30 minutes. At around the 40 minute mark, I took a deep breath, announced calmly, "well, you sort it out, name-of-400-year-old-man" and walked away (because I was becoming rather distressed). Later he sent me an email, in his own special style, rude, abrupt and punctuated by seemingly inserting random commas, exclamation marks and capital letters throughout, cc'd to our manager, and concluded, "I do not appreciate being walked away from."

Dickhead.

And this altercation made me miss bidding on a cheapo mp3 player for Bessie.

Dickhead.

Manager was not there today (won't be in until Wednesday), or she would have had to deal with one very unhappy employee. I went to visit Department Freak Manager and asked him for the role which has just become vacant in Department Freak, because Department Freak all love me, do not shout at me and almost make me cry, nor do they treat me like an idiot. If I don't have to take a pay cut, I think I will indeed remove myself (The Professor is freaking out at the prospect), because I shouldn't have to deal with being treated like crap (or listen to people I like being treated like crap) anymore - screw that.

8<-------------------------

In startling news, in 1.5 hours my biggest baby will be 18 years old.

Holy crap.

"we'd like to help capture the cobra," frank offered. "we've had experience with them."

2006-04-16T12:19:00.000+10:00

Snippets.....

8<---------------------------

I'm wearing socks today. Socks! It's finally cold enough to wear socks!

8<---------------------------

Excerpt from email to Fenton from a recruiter:

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Ersatz Madam Thingy had her last day at Marie Celeste on Wednesday. There was much sadness (I've quite recovered from the dobbing episode). My Lesbian Lover, The Professor and I toddled off to the QVB and purchased this and some rather gorgeous hand-printed stationery from this shop, as a farewell gift from the three of us. It is a totally gorgeous store and highly recommended for giftage for the elegant woman of a certain age.

When I went in to bid my farewells, she said, "I have really enjoyed working with you, I love your attitude. You know, you could really be French."

Best. Compliment. Ever.

8<---------------------------

If you've ever wanted to export the contents of your windows explorer window to a spreadsheet, or a text file, and lord knows there have been many times I have wanted to over the past several years, then you know that it is nigh on impossible (unless, according to Fenton, you go c:\dir /s >listing.txt at the command prompt and muck about a lot).

The Professor prompted me to go searching, and I came across this fabulous little tool. It will even export search results!

Most excellent stuff indeed.

8<---------------------------

Overheard in Bondi Junction:

"Don't my legs look completely fabulous?"

Nancy and I turned to see a woman showing off her legs, this way and that, to her toddler, who was seated in a trolley (no-one else was about - we checked).

Strangely, the toddler did not respond.

8<---------------------------

And finally, because you all love the Tales of the 400 year old man........

While waiting for some stragglers to arrive at our weekly departmental meeting, I was chatting to The Boss about the utter ghastliness that is The Easter Show. She commented that she had never been, I expressed my surprise & advised that she attend, just so she might experience the horror for herself. Then 400 year old man piped up interrogatively to The Boss, "but YOU don't celebrate Easter, DO you?". I looked at the ground (as one so often does when 400 year old man goes off), thinking, "Why? Because she is black!?!?!?!".

The Boss handled it with much more aplomb than I ever could have, and responded, "Well, the show really doesn't have very much to do with Easter, does it?" - which shut him down quite nicely.

8<---------------------------

Did I mention that I am wearing SOCKS???

at once the howler monkey was on them, clawing their backs with his hind paws, nipping and scratching at their heads.

2006-04-09T11:00:00.000+10:00

I could say that the long time between posts was due to my fabulous, exciting and action-packed life, but that would be a lie. Largely my time has been occupied by a combination of alternately moping about, feeling stressed and haus cleaning. Gods, the fun never stops around here, does it? I've said it before and I'll say it again, I need a life.

Things at Marie Celeste are plodding along. 400 year old man is still making life the complete opposite of pleasant. He was totally sapping my confidence (and my will to live) by bombarding me with ridiculous questions that have no real bearing on anything we do, so I'd respond with, "I'm sorry I don't know the answer, x would be the best person to talk to about this issue." Most people when you forward them to the right person to talk to would say, "gee whiz, thanks Mrs Hardly, I'll go and speak to them", but not 400 year old man. 400 year old man laughs at you for not knowing the answer, and then harangues you for 30+ minutes about how fucked up his particular pet issue of the moment is (the issue, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with with what he is working on).

The Professor and I suspect 400 year old man is trying to score himself a permanant role - gods help us all - even the most tolerant people at Marie Celeste cannot stand him. Did I mention that 400 year old man picks his nose and cleans out his ears in front of the office? And that he flicks his horrible, dried-out, 400 year old tongue in and out like a lizard when you speak to him? And that he refers to female managers as manageress (what is this, 1953?)?

Thankfully for the sake of my sanity, I saved one of 400 year old man's projects from failure - after vowing that I would never rescue a nutcase contractor ever again - and many congratulatory emails, of the "Mrs Hardly, you are brilliant" ilk, were bandied about to various Managers (and Manageresses). Of course 400 year old man did not say thank you for saving the project, because the almost failure is everyone else's fault. Who is laughing at who (or is it whom?) now, freak?

"joe, we're dealing with a monkey clever enough to be a professional burglar."

2006-03-12T18:21:00.000+11:00

On the surface, you'd think that, unlike the UK or US, there isn't terribly much regional variation in the Australian accent - you really can't guess at first hearing where someone grew up.

It's really only when you pay close attention that you notice little idiosyncrasies in pronunciation - people from Victoria tend to make an "e" sound for their "a" - "el-bum", rather than "al-bum", for example.

My lesbian lover and I were idly chatting about vegetables (as you do) at Marie Celeste one lazy afternoon and she pointed out a pronunciation variation that I had never noticed, but which I have become completely obsessed with. And that is the pronuciation of 0ni0n (obfuscated because pretty much everyone at Marie Celeste knows of my obsession).

My lesbian lover grew up in Newcastle and she'd noticed that people from there say "ung-yun" with a very definite "g" sound, rather than "un-yun". She pointed out that I, too, said "ung-yun" - something I had never noticed before. I thought everyone said "ung-yun", but they don't! I have the greatest diificulties even pronouncing it "un-yun", because my tongue gets all caught up at the roof of my mouth.

As I grew up in a small hick coastal town about 2 hours north of Newcastle, I became obsessed with how far this weirdness had spread. And thus, my rather twisted campaign of walking up to people at Marie Celeste (who grew up in NSW) and making them say "0ni0n" commenced.

And so I can share that:
People from Sydney say "un-yun"
The Central Coast: "un-yun"
Newcastle: "ung-yun"
My hick coastal town: "ung-yun"
Walcha: "ung-yun"
Tamworth: "ung-yun"
Age is no barrier to pronunciation.

And that was where I ran out of people who grew up in NSW to ~~harass~~ survey.

Here is my very lame map of the results:

The spotty red area indicates the spread of this pronunciational weirdness (ignore the green splodges - they are national parks I think).

If you would like to contribute to the results, my obsessional self would be very pleased indeed.

frank suspected trickery. joe, on the other hand, felt that the voodoo witch doctor might have some psychic power of insight.

2006-03-09T22:06:00.000+11:00

I decided to open a bank account at an actual bank, rather than my little credit union, because the rather large ATM fees each month are adding up. So I chose westpac (no link, for reasons which will become obvious), because there is a branch very close to Marie Celeste and there are loads of westpac ATMs about.

So I filled in an online application form, was posted the paperwork and had to pop into the closest branch to activate the account / prove my identity. There the problems began. The staff were grumpy/unhelpful and the branch was a mess (quite unlike the lovely credit union). When I pulled out my various forms of ID (birth certificate, drivers licence, medicare card & credit union card) the bank drone decided that I did not have 100 points because my birth certificate is in my maiden name. I have never encountered this interesting example of pedantry before, my birth certificate has always proved adequate in the past for this sort of thing - mainly used as a formality, because my drivers licence has my photo on it. I don't actually have any other acceptable forms of ID (rental agreement not good enough, tax statement not good enough, myriad of other things I suggested not good enough).

So I considered that the universe was trying to tell me to stay with my lovely little credit union and told them to close the account.

That's 45 minutes of my life I'm never getting back.

"lets get out of here. we can resume our conference when we get away from these shimmy-shakers."

2006-03-08T22:41:00.000+11:00

Nancy: "I think we need a cute planner from kikki.k, so we can record Fenton's travel, my assigments and your .... cleaning."
Mrs Hardly: "I think I need to get a life."

8<-------------

Fenton is in Qld's capital this week and next, which doth suck mightily. He tells the rather amazing tale of everyone commencing work at 9am and leaving at 5pm! Something rather more civilised than in our fair city.

his pulse beat like a jackhammer. he was trapped amid the zealots of voodoo!

2006-03-05T21:00:00.000+11:00

'thanks for the warning, joe," frank said. "i'd hate to be knocked off the case by a bag of nuts."

2006-02-28T20:03:00.000+11:00

What do the following people have in common?
Mother Theresa
Priscilla Presley
Lou Reed
Chloe Sevingy
Jennifer Capriati

and

Sarah Jessica Parker
Felicity Huffman
Faye Dunaway
Sarit Hadad (who?¹)
Mae West
Sarah Ferguson
Holly Hunter
Jennifer Aniston

Answer: I apparently look like all of them.

I can't remember where I first saw this wacky tool.

You upload a picture of yourself, and out of the magic box comes a list of the celebrities you apparently resemble.

So, being the curious creature I am, I uploaded the old pic with the duck in the cleavage from the sidebar (which I am not going to reproduce - being the super paranoid type that I now am):

and verily, out came the results.....

Mother Theresa - 55%
Priscilla Presley - 50%
Lou Reed - 49%
Chloe Sevingy - 49%
Jennifer Capriati - 48%

Good Grief!

I decided I needed a higher resolution image (or some pretty heavy duty cosmetic surgery!)

Picture was duly taken and results were thus:
Sarah Jessica Parker - 66%
Felicity Huffman - 61%
Faye Dunaway - 56%
Sarit Hadad (who?) - 53%
Mae West - 51%
Sarah Ferguson - 49%
Holly Hunter - 48%
Jennifer Aniston - 48%

I am not entirely sure that is an improvement, but hey, at least Lou Reed is missing from the list!!

¹Google tells me she is a singer who represented Israel in Eurovision 2002.

their mother made lunch, then helped them pack their belongings. laura hardy always made sure the detectives in the family were properly equipped.

2006-02-26T17:58:00.000+11:00

I've been on a bit of a PD James kick recently (I much prefer the older novels - Dalgliesh has morphed into an introspective, whingey sook in the later work), and while I don't quite love them enough to buy them , the library has a reasonable enough range to see me through.

So far, I guess I've read about 10 novels and I'd noticed that someone before me had placed a tick in each book on page 23 - I assumed this little act of defacement was a code to indicate to them whether they had previously read the book. I'd also noticed that there was the occasional correction of a typo in the text (usually in the same pen as the ticks) - which I found mildly irritating, but not terribly so.

The minor irritation changed to horrified astonishment yesterday when I borrowed the last of the library's offerings: Death of an Expert Witness. Apparently some crazy person had gone through the novel, making numerous "corrections" to the text, however the corrections were not correct in any grammatical world I'm familiar with.

Examples of the lunacy:

Every instance of rôle has had the circumflex accent scribbled out.
"The slight bleeding from the mouth is caused by the tongue being caught between the teeth."
becomes
"The slight bleeding from the mouth is caused by the tongue's being caught between the teeth."

"... they couldn't economise there because of Debbie needing warmth ..."
becomes
"... they couldn't economise there because of Debbie's needing warmth ..."

"'So we had this idea of trying to stop Mrs Bidwell going to the Laboratory.'"
becomes
"'So we had this idea of trying to stop Mrs Bidwell's going to the Laboratory.'"

"'Dr Lorrimer was very particular about people coming into the Laboratory.'"
becomes (you guessed it)
"'Dr Lorrimer was very particular about people's coming into the Laboratory.'"

This grammatical quirk is really an obsession with Psycho Mystery Editor - it features heavily (I'd estimate once every 5-10 pages).
Psycho Mystery Editor has an obsession with the word "smell" and its variations...
"'She doesn't like William and me to go in. Anyway, she smells, so we don't.'"
becomes
"'She doesn't like William and me to go in. Anyway, she ~~smells~~ stinks, so we don't.'"

"Eleanor was right, the room did smell."
becomes
"Eleanor was right, the room did ~~smell~~ stink."

"The Document Examination Room, which occupied the whole front of the building under the roof, smelled like a stationer's shop..."

"The Document Examination Room, which occupied the whole front of the building under the roof, ~~smelled~~ stank like a stationer's shop..."
Psycho Mystery Editor has some gender issues:
"'... and explained to the jury that they needn't be frightened of the so-called scientific expert witnesses because none of us, including himself of course, really know what we're talking about.'"
becomes
"'... and explained to the jury that they needn't be frightened of the so-called scientific expert witnesses because none of us, including himself of course, really know what ~~we're~~ he's talking about.'"

"'Anyone who wants to enter from the side has to leave the dressing-room, scurry in their costume and probably in the rain through the graveyard and, if they don't trip over the gravestone, break their ankle, or fall into an open grave, finally make a triumphant, if damp, appearance on the proper side.'"
becomes
"'Anyone who wants to enter from the side has to leave the dressing-room, scurry in ~~their~~ his costume and probably in the rain through the graveyard and, if ~~they~~ he ~~don't~~ doesn't trip over the gravestone, break ~~their~~ his ankle, or fall into an open grave, finally make a triumphant, if damp, appearance on the proper side.'"
And lastly, Mystery Psycho Editor obviously believed some descriptions inadequate, because they (or, should I say, ~~they~~ he?), have felt compelled to add a word here or there:
"'He's got quite a library of books up there.'"
becomes
"'He's got quite a large library of books up there.'"

"'It was quite a coincidence, really."
becomes
"'It was quite a strange coincidence, really."

"'She'd only start criticising him for leaving me and the baby.'"
becomes
"'She'd only start adversly criticising him for leaving me and the baby.'"

These "corrections" (and many many more I've not listed) were so maddening and distracting that it rather makes me want to track down the culprit and fiercely glare at ~~them~~ him¹.

¹Of course, I have absolutely no idea if the Psycho Mystery Editor is male or female.

"mrs retson will feel much safer if we have muscular re-inforcements as near as the guest house."

2006-02-20T22:34:00.000+11:00

A way cool and groovy toy by way of the lovely flashman. Whack your URL in and just like magic you get a rather lovely image of the most commonly used words on your blog....

Mine is rather more positive than I would have supposed (note to self: be more nasty)! Although I rather think rather is missing, because, as you might have noticed, I rather have a propensity to use rather, rather a lot.

"why are you so down on your butler?" frank enquired.

2006-02-19T18:50:00.000+11:00

When we heard we were getting a contractor in Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it who was "older", my first question was, "older like me, or older like the professor?". The answer was, "neither".

So I wasn't entirely sure what to expect.

What I did not expect was a 400 year old man. A 400 year old man who is a complete jerk.

Now I'm not generally down on people who are older. Hell, one of my favourite peeps at Marie Celeste is 78. I think 400 year old man would be a jerk irrespective of age.

You see, 400 year old man will. not. listen. We all tell him stuff he needs to know, invest much time and energy explaining how things work and answering his wacked out questions - which is totally fine and expected for a new person. In the middle of week two we worked out that he is asking each of us exactly the same questions - and that we are giving exactly the same answers - and yet he still asks, but he doesn't just confine these same questions to the members of Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it - he expands his search to include people in other departments (who also give exactly the same answers).

When you endeavour to explain something to 400 year old man, he will constantly interrupt with "yes" every third word, he does not wait for a pause in the sentence, he's just interjecting "yes" constantly while you are speaking. This is one of the many, many things which is driving me completely and totally nuts.

While 400 year old man will happily interject "yes" constantly, woe betide you if you try to correct a factual error in one of his rambling discourses. 400 year old man will interrupt conversations with a "could I just run this past you?" and then announce, "now, as I understand it, baby cows are giraffes..." and when you begin to kindly say, "well, actually baby cows are calves, and..", he gets all fierce, almost shouting, "now, just bear with me while I finish what I was saying" and speaks for five minutes without pause about the ramifications of baby cows being giraffes. When he completes his rambling, you'll say gently, "well, no, as the professor and the pommy have already explained, baby cows are calves and so your plan for giraffes will not work in this context and, actually, your project is about moon seals." He'll then get even more cross and go off with a, "I have been given responsibilty for this project and baby cows are giraffes...". Then he'll wander off and repeat this exchange with others and explain his master plan involving dealing with the cow/giraffe issue and which completely ignores the moon seals. I could somewhat understand if 400 year old man had any experience at all in dealing with cows, giraffes or moon-seals, but he is a complete novice in this area.

It is becoming so awful in Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it, that the professor, who rarely says a bad word about anyone (although he merrily tars me with the anglo-provincial brush), had a stand-up slanging match with him last week (when the shouting began, I escaped to my geeky pal and skulked back when it was all over, as I much prefer to talk about people behind their backs than being witness to confrontation).

Also, 400 year old man cheerfully picks his nose at his desk. And has an enourmous one of these. And refers to women as "birds". And that is not even half of the horror.

The upside is that Dept Cool-until-you-are-in-it are all bonding really well in the face of a common enemy.

"hardly. graham is very sensitive. in fact, he spends most of his time writing poetry."

2006-02-11T14:18:00.000+11:00

Nancy, reading aloud from crib notes for her assigned HSC English novel:
"'He believes his characters are interesting because they are flawed.'
"Hmpf, well he is mistaken, his characters are not interesting, his characters are dickheads."

The set text is ghastly. So ghastly that I cannot bring myself to read it (as is my usual practice, so that Nancy may bounce ideas off me, or so that I can more adquately provide assistance). Her entire class loathes it. Because of aforesaid ghastliness, we are treated to a constant stream of scathing Nancy commentary (directed at the author and occasionally the Board of Studies) whenever she picks the thing up.

The novel deals with delinquents in the Western Suburbs and the author tries to get all authentic by using colloquial language. He fails rather miserably, because, for example, I have never heard anyone under 50 years old refer to cigarettes as "cancer sticks". He might as well have used "ripping" and "topping" and "wizzard" for all the "authenticity" of his language.

We are all thankful that she is doing some work, even if it is not nearly enough, at least it is a beginning.

8<----------

I have been staggeringly busy at Marie Celeste (hence the lack of posts - it's all I can do to lay about exhausted on the couch when I arrive home in the evening). Department-cool-until-you-are-in-it have been involved in a rather large project. However, very late on Friday afternoon, we discovered an error of major proportions (thankfully not our fault) and so will need to spend the next week doing it all over again. But, hey, it's all a learning experience, right?

8<----------

We toddled along to the Kings Cross Organic Food and Farmers Market yesterday. It was rather disappointing in both size and variety. I have not visited the faux farmers market at Fox Studios (as mentioned in the comments for the last post by the lovely anyresemblance), but I imagine this compared much less favourably. However, all was not lost, as we picked up some sensational fresh pasta (best we've had for ages), a very nice apple pie and a rather nice tomato, chili and pepper pasta sauce. I can only hope it picks up some momentum, because this area should be a market ripe for the picking (dreadful puns unintended).

there's a generation gap between graham and me. but you fellows speak his lingo.

2006-02-01T19:53:00.000+11:00

My eldest baby had her last first day of school ever on Tuesday. It's hard to believe in less than three months, she'll be an adult (gods help us all).

Being that we were in a crafty mood on the weekend, Nancy decided to learn to sew (something she has shown precisely no interest in previously) and made herself a pair of pyjama pants from an old powerpuff girls duvet cover and used an old pair of pyjama pants as a pattern.

The cutting:

The completed product:

What a good girl.

And on a crafty note, I visited the Home Yardage closing down sale¹ and purchased some very cheap patterns for Bess:

Hopefully at last, she can have some decent clothing (if, of course, I actually get around to doing something about them!

8<------------------

This arrived in my letterbox during the week, looks most interesting and I plan to visit on the second sunday of the month to check it out:

¹Closes forever on 11 February! There is not a great deal left, but if you are after some decent vogue patterns or barbie clothes patterns (and are prepared to scrabble through baskets), get yourself down there.

"you mean your eighteen-year-old son drew fifty thousand dollars from his bank account and then disappeared?"

2006-01-29T22:11:00.000+11:00

The park less than 45 seconds walk from our door, where we really should spend more time:

Titles courtesy of - The Hardy Boys: The Masked Monkey (no. 44)

"all i'll need to keep up my spirits will be to remind myself of frank and joe hardy and chet morton - three swell fellows!"

2006-01-29T18:50:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, my lovely Bess was feeling a little blue, she was a little homesick for her other home (of course when she is at her other home, she is homesick for here - that's the kind of girl she is).

In an effort to cheer her up, we baked our fourth batch of chocolate chip biscuits (which seem to be inhaled as soon as they are on the cooling rack).

As Bess and Joe/Frank had missed the birthday of their baby brother, we then decided to make him a gift. After much deliberating, we decided upon a George.

Inspired by the purchase of a George & Martha DVD during the week:

Bess' drawing of George on a bookmark.

We started with a jumper I had inadvertantly felted (I swear I could felt acrylic).

We used a coffee tray to get an approximate size of his head and body and used the arms of the jumper for his arms and legs:

There was much pinning and stuffing:

And placement of buttons:

And the completed George:

On the train on the way to his new home:

"it was a good racket, you fool," weatherby burst out, "until it was spoiled by those confounded hardys!"

2006-01-29T13:20:00.000+11:00

I'm currently having what I suspect is a mild panic attack - pulse racing, hands shaking and massive feelings of anxiety. Sort of a fight or flee response to <something>.

It could be the prospect of the babies returning home (normally I just push down / ignore those feelings of despair when they are not here - ignore the problem and it will go away!), the prospect of returning to the Marie Celeste (oh gods!) or whether it is simply Nancy being Nancy (damn these moody, irresponsible teenagers!).

Trying to think calming thoughts....

While speaking to Fenton about my panic, he mentioned he was experiencing similar symptoms. So we put it down to the coffee we consumed this morning - which must have been massively strong. Whew, not going mad after all.

8<----------

There is an article in today's Herald re: grandparents being used to solve the "child care crisis"¹. A hospital on the North Shore is conducting "grandparent refresher workshops", which are proving hugely popular.

"The numbers are growing," Ms de Wilde said. "There have been quite a few changes since people had babies in the 1970s and 1980s (my emphasis) and we wanted to address some of them."

Nancy was born in 1988 - so now I'm considered to be of grandparently age???? Fuck that!

8<----------

According to the guru, my week ahead will be like this:

Your week ahead: Every day seems to be bringing you a new discovery. You are not necessarily entering fresh territory. You are just starting to see your existing situation in a different way. You are recognising opportunities that have been right under your feet for ages yet to which you have been unbelievably blind. You are starting to understand important new things about the people you are closest to, even though you have known them for a long time. This week will bring further revelations. Don't feel silly that you are seeing something you should have seen earlier. Just be glad of what is being shown to you, and make full use of it.

Hmmmmmmmm. Opportunities to which I have been blind? I'm totally up for these opportunities, as long as I don't have to, you know, do anything.

¹Having not had a child in child care for several years, I am unsure whether there is actually a crisis, or whether this is a political/media beat-up. In my experience, decent child care has always been expensive and difficult to find.

frank sprinkled on some powder from a special hardy make-up kit.

2006-01-28T11:28:00.000+11:00

My beloved left his beloved silver ipod mini in a cab last evening. Calls to various taxi companies' (who in this city actually notices who the cab belongs to?) lost and found departments have, so far, been for naught.

Today he went looking to replace it, despite the line being discontinued some months ago. I tried to push the my beloved nano as an alternative, but he claims it is too girly. Fortunately he managed to locate a lovely new mini at the Apple Store in Darlinghurst.

So, if you are in the Emerald City and dire need of an ipod mini - the Taylor Square Apple Centre has two 6GB green and seven 4GB pink minis remaining (as at Saturday).

Here endeth the Apple pimpage.

frank added a bright bandanna, and each boy got a pair of handsome high-heeled, hand-tooled Mexican leather boots.

2006-01-27T17:46:00.000+11:00

Last night I discovered a pauvre matsumuru (fishworks) floating upside down in his bowl and very, very dead.

Today, I did what any grief-stricken fish owner would do - immediately replaced him.

8<---------------

Are you surprised that I have not even touched the report I was planning to write? I thought not. I really should make the time, but at the moment I don't give a toss. I'm positive that if ignore it, it will just go away.

Can it really be only the weekend remaining before I return to Marie Celeste? I hadn't realised how tense I was until I had this lovely time off. Now I am all mellow, tranquil and hippie-like. For the moment anyway.

Peace out.

both bought sturdy dungaree trousers and short dungaree jackets to match.

2006-01-25T22:32:00.000+11:00

Although you'd never think so to look at my wardrobe, I've a bit of a reputation for being able to predict fashion trends a couple of seasons in advance (to about 85%). I've never blogged about it, because I am fully aware that if I do, the universe will jump in and ensure that I am totally and utterly wrong.

So when Nancy dragged herself out of bed at lunch time yesterday and sleepily asked, "Mummy, you know how you have this alleged gift for predicting fashion? What do you think will be fashionable in footwear for winter?", I replied "coloured boots"¹ and went looking for a picture to illustrate what I meant.

That is when I ran across these:

There are no words.

I can assure you that these are completely *not* what I was referring to by "coloured boots". But if you would like to add them to your wardrobe, you can bid on them here: horror boots

¹After this admission, you will find that coloured boots are absolutely the least fashionable footwear getting about this winter.

how do i know who you are? two young men in a large hurry to get over the border. it must be for some secret purpose - perhaps illegal.

2006-01-24T17:21:00.000+11:00

I was a little underwhelmed by the nominees for the 2006 Australian Blog Awards, mainly because it was pretty much the same old A-List bloggers (with *most* of my faves absent¹). Last year I found some fantastic and diverse new reads (many of whom feature in the sidebar over there ---> ) .

I was lucky enough to find Grab Your Fork, which is a fab read, but not much else new that thrilled me to bits.

So I headed to distant climes to the BoBs, where I first came across the utterly brilliant Manolo and have once again found fabulousness - amazingly under the guise of mommy blogs (which ordinarily I wouldn't go within 29 clicks of).

You must read Grace - who is indeed super-fantastic.

And big yellow house - who is also most super-fantastic.

I'm on the way to filling all that lazing on the couch² time I now have thanks to my supporting local small business!

And a fond farewell to the wonderful 42 short, James is the coolest librarian ever, who introduced me to the delights of Nick, Nora and Asta, who is moving on to a more minimalist style blog. I'll still be reading avidly, but will miss the vignettes into librarian life.

¹some weren't missing though! Yay for elsewhere and flashman who both totally rock my socks.
note to self: next year actually nominate faves
² Yes, I suppose I could actually do something useful rather than sitting on the couch, but really, how likely is that?

most people don't fully develop their powers of observation. after all they're not detectives!

2006-01-22T15:54:00.000+11:00

Dear Children's Clothing Designers

Why do you insist upon designing clothing for 10-year-old girls which makes them look like skanks?

I'm not one of these frills and bows pinafore types, I don't want my 10 year old to look like a faerie princess or Alice in Wonderland. I'm simply all about the hip and witty and quirky and less about the mini prostitute. I know you are able to do funky because there are perfectly lovely things out there for girls up to children's size 6. But there is nothing at all available for a children's size 8-9, nothing. It's like 8-14 year old's must to exist in a wasteland of glittery one shouldered midrif tops.

And what is this ubiquitous skull motif appearing on the clothing available for almost-twelve-year-old boys? Could you move on to something a little less lame?

Kind Regards
Mrs Hardly

8<--------------

Note: the above was much better in it's original form, however the computer ate my post and I was forced to recreate.

Having identified the lack of decent clothing out there for Bess, I resolved to turn to my trusty sewing machine for assistance. Unfortunately all of the pattern books I looked through contained nothing but fug for that age group. I need a 10 year old girl dress form, perhaps the holidays would be a fine time to wrap Bess in duct tape. I really wish I had the time to learn to pattern make.

Joe/Frank has it a little easier in the skull avoidance stakes - he usually supplements his wardrobe with Nancy's/Fenton's/My cast-offs.

8<--------------

Late yesterday afternoon we trooped down the steep, slippery, stone steps to the park for a wee walk and game of cricket (with tennis ball). It was loads of fun, we plan to do it more frequently. Typical of us to have a great harbourside park less than 45 seconds walk away and we rarely visit it.

suddenly, to frank's and Joe's complete surprise, their hostess leaned forward in her chair and gave them a sly wink!

2006-01-20T17:29:00.000+11:00

Good grief, have I really not been at work for a week? This holiday is going way too quickly for my liking.

It's times like these I fantasize about never going back to work - ever. The babies have been delightful, everything is so very relaxed (despite my short bout with a cold). Would that I could be this mellow always (I'm sure those who live with me agree) - stupid having to work to be able to eat (and do essential things like pay for someone else to launder Fenton's shirts).

Chocolate Chip Biscuit baking Mark II went spectacularly well this afternoon. We substituted mini M&Ms for the chocolate chips. I was planning to take a photograph of them, however I got the dreaded "battery low" message and am recharging. So pix later - should the ravenous hoardes leave any to photograph.

Note to self: oven-from-hell requires 170^oC and cooking for 12 minutes on the top shelf, 13 minutes on the middle (turning after 5 minutes and 10 minutes): timing courtesy of the fabulous fan-forced oven tip from the sunbeam tips and tricks page.

well - his only hobby was raising shetland ponies, if that means anything.

2006-01-19T16:25:00.000+11:00

Apart from the burnt edges (stupid oven-from-hell), the biscuits were quite tasty.

Although, if it wasn't for the whole kidlet-bonding-through-baking thing, I'd have handed over the meagre amount at Woolies for a packet of Arnott's Premier Chocolate Chip Cookies. But then I'm getting very into throwing money at things to avoid effort at the moment.

For example, our drycleaner charges a mere $2 to wash and iron a business shirt! I've sent the horrid-to-iron shirts to them a few times (and they do a spectacular job). So, I'm thinking - why not send the rest of the shirts? I'd be saving myself a whole lot of time and ... errr ... supporting local small business. And I really want a cleaner (living in this suburb, I feel like I'm letting the side down by not having one), but I think that might be taking things a little too far.

If only I could pay someone to write this goshdarn report that I need to complete. Originally I was asked to "help" write it by Pommy Colleague, now the report writing [on a project where I had limited involvement] has somehow ended up on my performance plan - gaaahhhhhh.

Back to the baking, if you feel the need for some baking-type bonding, here is the Mrs Hardly short and sweet version of the recipe:

225g softened butter
1/2 cup sugar (I used caster sugar because I am lazy)
1/4 cup sweetened condensed milk
2 cups plain flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 cup chocolate chips (or "bits" as evil Nestle refers to them)

Cream the butter and sugar.
Beat in the sweetened condensed milk until light and fluffy
Sift in the flour and baking powder.
Whack in the chocolate chips/bits¹ and stir.
Roll tablespoonsfuls (or whatever size you'd like) of mixture into balls.
Chuck them on a lined baking tray and squish them with a fork
Bake for 15 min in a 190^oC oven

Allegedly makes 30 (ours came out at somewhat less than 30)

We'll be making more - because I have to do something with that remaining sweetened condensed milk.

Today, I've been spending much of my unwell-time browsing craft blogs:

angry chicken
molly chicken
all sorts
soulemama
and feeling terribly inferior as a consequence!

Fortunately, I have my lovely Bess to bolster my ego - she thinks I should be on Project Runway. Ah Bessy - so dreadfully cute, so dreadfully deluded.

¹ I chucked a handful of dessicated coconut (which was not called for) into the mix at this point, but that is because I have an irresitable urge to add dessicated coconut to everything.

the thick dark-purplish body was blotched with bright yellow and covered with warts.

2006-01-18T12:14:00.000+11:00

I have a cold.

It doth bite mightily.

I am at the sore-throat/achey bones stage and no amount of positive thinking isn't making it go away.

However, the saving grace is that the weather is totally fabulous for being sick (raining and cool - ahhhhhh bliss!).

Thankfully, the babies are being very tolerant of my complete lack of ability to do very much at all and are happily playing Sims 2.

Later we shall attempt to bake chocolate chip biscuits in the oven-from-hell. If all turns out well, I shall post the recipe (which I obtained from the back of the chocolate chip packet). I had no intention of following the recipe on the back of the chocolate chip packet, but one of the ingredients is sweetened condensed milk - which was so groovily retro that I felt compelled to toss aside the Marie Claire recipe I had intented using.

<edited to add> Now Joe/Frank is happily reading The Wide Window (Book 3 in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events) - this is completely thrilling, because Joe/Frank has had a distinct lack of interest in anything other than the computer lately. We took the long, long trek to the shire to visit the paediatrician yesterday and he gave the go-ahead to slowly up Joe/Frank's medication - which seems to be having a positive affect already. The poor, brave baby also had to have a blood test which he handled exceptionally well.

back in bayport, joe hardy had an extensive collection of rocks and stones.

2006-01-14T22:27:00.000+11:00

Golly, I have been run completely ragged over the past week. Work was horrendously busy with all sorts of deadlines - some I met, some I have managed to extend!

I am on annual leave for the next two weeks - hurrah! Like the loser I am, I've brought work home to do in the holidays. The babies will be here, which will be rather lovely, but I am certain I will be quite mad by the end of it all.

Meanwhile, enjoy a photograph of Nancy's old dollshouse, which I created from scratch (using MDF, a handsaw and craft knife) - this was mid-way through the construction process, by the end there was much more artwork and wee little stairs connecting each level. Sadly, we had to give it away when Fenton and I moved into our last very tiny abode and there was no room for it.

There was about $500 worth of wee furniture contained within those wee walls, which her father, when she lived with him for a short time, threw away, whether accidentally, or on purpose, I'm not certain.

while her husband loosened the unfortunate chet's clothing and chafed his wrists.

2006-01-07T15:36:00.000+11:00

After an exhaustive and fruitless search for alternative bookshelves, today we succumbed and returned to ikea to revist the bookshelves - and wonder of wonders, they had two in stock. They'll be delivered tomorrow afternoon and I imagine we will spend a very large portion of the evening with an allen key.

Chez Hardly is quite the disaster zone, as we removed the mismatched furniture and set the books and toys on the floor near my desk (I'm knee deep in encyclopedia and soft toys).

laura hardy, the boys' slim and attractive mother, quickly brought cold towels and spirits of ammonia

2006-01-04T21:36:00.000+11:00

It's rather exhausting being back at the Marie Celeste. It's dreadful trying to get back into the whole work groove. I'm in the process of writing a very awful and complex report (which involves much maths/stats - urk! not my forte at all!), made significantly more difficult because our previous contractor did not document any of the work she did (there is a special place in hell for people who fail to document their work). So, I've been spending rather a lot of time engaged in work avoidance - namely reading /. and persuing various works on the literature network (which is killing my eyes). Gee, I don't know where Nancy gets her tendency to pretend that deadlines just don't exist.

Our contractor showed a whole lot of sense and failed to show up - which is a bit of a bummer departmentally, because it will take a whole lot of time to recruit someone else. It's a buyers market at the moment and suitable candidates are pretty thin on the ground. Still our new dude seems very competent and quite pleasant - which undoubtedly means that he won't be with us for terribly long! He's already at Stage 2 of the Marie Celeste experience¹ - this is where one walks around muttering, "but that doesn't make sense!"

¹Department Cool-until-you-are-in-it spent an idle afternoon developing the "16 stages of the Marie Celeste experience". I started out at about stage 8 (Cynicism) and haven't moved on from there. Other stages are The Shouting, The Crying and The Gaining Weight. I can't recall the rest, although I know that Bliss was the last one (that, of course, occurs after you hand in your resignation).

Titles courtesy of The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Desert Giant

"we saw the wild ending of the fireworks display and have been disturbed ever since."

2006-01-02T23:31:00.000+11:00

I'm usually a little slow on the uptake, so apologies if you have read this elsewhere. I was clearing out some email in my primary gmail account and noticed a rather cute feature. Gmail now has an RSS feature, which of course I knew, what I didn't know was that in the spam folder, the feed is for spam recipes!

You can view the rather ghastly looking recipe here

What I find scary is that there *are* actually spam recipes! Reminds me of the time the lovely Harriet was posting to a US chat board and was inundated with the most scary-arsed jello recipes you could ever imagine.

But the cuteness does not end with the spam, the trash folder has a feed of recycling tips!

chet and tony chuckled, but the hardys shot the man dark looks. they did not want their friends dating a suspect!

2006-01-02T18:19:00.001+11:00

Egads, can it really be time to return to work tomorrow? The holidays have gone way too quickly for my liking. I had all good intentions of writing a report during the time off, but as you can imagine, did precisely nothing of the sort, so I'll be slaving mightily this week.

Tomorrow we'll have two shiny new starters in Department Cool-until-you-are-in-it. One is to replace Boudecia and one is a contractor. I will endeavour to keep the Professor away from the newbies, lest he horrify them with his un-pc ways.

Recent examples of the Professor's work include:

Mrs Hardly: (referring to Boudecia) "I swear its the (red) hair - highly-strung, demanding and really, really fierce."
Professor: "She, like all women, just needs to be tamed."
Mrs Hardly: "Oh. My. God."
Professor: "You really need to get over this provincial, anglo-saxon, uptight attitude."

Professor: "There was a very high proportion of nymphettes performing in the Schools' Spectacular."
Mrs Hardly: "Oh. My. God."
Professor: "You really need to get over this provincial, anglo-saxon, uptight attitude."

Professor: (speaking to colleague who planned to dress as batman for son's pre-school disco)"So. will you get any in-costume action when you get home?"
Mrs Hardly: "Dear diary, I have a colleague who makes the most horrifyingly inappropriate remarks in the workplace."
Professor: "You really need to get over this provincial, anglo-saxon, uptight attitude."

"a prize to the one bringing in the most unusual piece of driftwood," callie offered.

2006-01-01T14:39:00.000+11:00

Nancy arrived home from her shift at Krusty Burger with the intent of changing into a swimsuit and venturing out for a dip in the harbour - when she is willing to show her lily-white bod in public (And when anyone is willing to swim in the harbour), you know it is a rather hot day.

And well she might complain, the Herald tells me that it is currently:

(that's 111.2^oF for the foreigners)

Fenton and I have been sequestered inside with the fan on level 3 and the windows and blinds securely shut. I thought it was unbearably hot on our balconey until I ventured across the road for milk (having drawn the short straw) - it's as if you are breathing the heat. It's very, very dry - yesterday at this time the relative humidity was 71%, now it is 17%!

In short, summer in the antipodes doth suck mightily, I feel mightily envious of those in northern climes, what with the snow and the ice and the delightful freezing temperatures.

<edited to add> at 4.25pm it is:

(113^oF)

"i knew it!" miss hardy declared. "hoodlums are after you again. stay away from them!"

2005-12-31T16:56:00.000+11:00

Ever since I first heard of Project Runway's existance, I've been longing to see it. Finally last week (after months and months of searching) have managed to <cough>obtain<cough> some episodes of Season 2 - which have just thrilled me to bits! Thrilled me so much that I have ordered Season 1 from Amazon (which should arrive by the end of January).

We've spent the past few days sweltering away at chez hardly, with occasional visits to airconditioned shopping centres, and rather enjoying the absence from work (apart from the sweltering). I rather long for cooler climes at this time of year. Anything under 35^oC (95^oF) would be quite delightful. I've heard tell that it will be 42^oC (107.6^oF) tomorrow, which makes me regret not lashing out on an air conditioner. I imagine my day will feature much laying about and complaining.

Being that 2006 is a mere four hours away, I decided to check out how I fared with my non-resolutions for 2005:

I will make a half-arsed attempt to:
Get back into a godsdamned size 10 (from the 12 I am now - reasonably realistic, its not like I want to go back into the 6 I was 18 months ago - because that is not going to happen)
A big NO
Keep a clean, tidy and, most of all, uncluttered haus
sometimes!
Unpack the remaining 12 archive boxes left from the move (this could prove difficult as the contents need somewhere to live)
more than half unpacked - the remainder are books with nowhere to live
Increase the diversity of what we eat (we are all quite bored with the same dishes over and over)
still pretty much the same stuff
Increase the diversity of my wardrobe (for I am heartily sick of wearing the same things)
yes! but I could do with more
Do something crafty at least once a month (I don't mean crafty as in cunning, well perhaps cunning crafts?, but practical, useful crafts)
A big NO
Blog regularly (because I try not to be a hypocrite & loathe it when others leave it for weeks between entries)
ha ha ha ha ha
Acquire a new bed
yes! but we need a new mattress rather badly
Acquire furniture for the balcony (or at very least a chair)
bench acquired
Acquire a vintage-type office chair to go with my cool new computer table
chair acquired - not vintagey, but most. comfortable. chair. ever.

Hmmmmm - not quite so bad as I would have thought. I'll have to put my mind to some new non-resolutions.

"i'd like to get my hands on him!" frank said. "look at my trousers!" the sharp twigs of the hedge had made a long tear in them.

2005-12-25T10:44:00.000+11:00

With thanks to my beloved.

"wow, what's that guy trying to do?" thought frank. had he mistaken them for fish?

2005-12-24T18:32:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm back after my brief hiatus (of both blogging and reading blogs) - which involved far too much work, disappearing internet connection and a drunken christmas party experience.

Much to my surprise, my promotion and accompanying $10K salary increase were approved. I even received a Christmas bonus (something almost unheard of at Marie Celeste). Yay for me! But truly, it doesn't take overly much effort to remain at sweet end of the Bell Curve in Department Cool-until-you-are-in-it.

The Hardly Haus had the dreadful experience of losing our internet connection for several days. After testing we assumed our modem/router was stuffed (why technology hates me: part 34756) and returned it. The new one exhibited the same behaviour, so after a quite exhaustive (and exhausting) process of elimination, as a very last resort Fenton decided to unplug the dead printer from the network, and verily, we had internet connection once again. Stupid printer.

We've managed to acquire a cheapish second computer (well, a second for me, a sixth for the household - yes, the household of three people) on eBay - fabulous - except the seller sent it via courier, so we had to persuade Nancy to hang about and take delivery of it. The seller also failed to include a cable to convert the stupid, proprietary compaq video-out to hd15 - so the computer sits on the floor awaiting aforementioned cable or a new video card.

After spending a morning slaving to get work done for a lunchtime deadline, last Friday I toddled off to Marie Celeste's christmas party and embraced the seemingly bottomless glass of white wine. For post-food "entertainment" we had a trivia contest. I was seated with most of the managers from my division (I'm a bit of a suck in that regard, but they are the people I tend to get on best with) and our sole purpose was to beat the smug bitches from Legal - which, rather to our surprise, we did - and there was much gloating (and refilling of the seemingly bottomless glass of white wine in celebration).

Afterward we adjourned to the Pontoon Bar where I embraced another seemingly bottomless glass of white wine. This was not a terribly good idea, as I spent a rather unpleasant time in the bathroom and was cared for and poured into a cab by the lovely person mentioned here. After a rather unpleasant cab ride, I spent the evening passed-out on the bathroom floor. That is the short version - I will not share the much more messy and icky graphic re-count.

I was filled with gratitude toward the lovely person who so kindly assisted me, so on Monday morning, I arrived with a floral token of my thanks. Perfectly normal and civilised, you would think? Strangely, the smug bitches in Legal did not appear to think so, because now the talk all over Marie Celeste (eminating from the smug bitches in Legal) is that the aforementioned lovely person and I are lesbian lovers (not that there's anything wrong with that). All because I bought her flowers?!?! The smug bitches in Legal even grilled my lesbian lover about our relationship in a meeting. Honestly, this is the best, most hilarious and most bizarre rumour that has been spread about me - ever.

It doesn't seem at all as though Christmas is tomorrow. We spent Thursday evening and yesterday afternoon knocking over the present purchasing - primarily Nintendo DS' and games for the babies and secret stuff for Nancy. We had planned to spend today madly cleaning the grotty house, but the 38^oC (100.4^oF) day put a stop to that, so we lounged about and watched Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on DVD - which is just all kinds of wrong.

Titles courtesy of Hardy Boys: The Secret of Pirates' Hill

reaching into his pocket he pulled out a couple of gas bombs.

2005-12-11T18:12:00.000+11:00

You think that your life is going along reasonably well, that your Bad Child is behaving reasonably, but then you get complacent and then bam - your child, who has a major assignment due tomorrow (and who has only completed around a paragraph of her essay), arrives home seven hours after her Krusty Burger shift ends and refuses to answer her phone while gone. Argh!!!

the detective never used a gun if there was an alternative. he had gained his reputation by clever strategy.

2005-12-11T17:23:00.000+11:00

My post from yesterday appears to have been eaten. It dealt with how Fenton and I had planned to venture out to ikea to purchase a bookcase style thing to replace our current mismatch of furniture.
Two of these:

Perfect to hold the books and hide the printer and the router and the toys and the sun box that Fenton currently has his heart set on.

And how I was sadly struck down with a particularly nasty upset tummy and how this meant that we could not venture out. And how we assumed it was the universe trying to tell us not to be so spendy.

So today we laughed in the face of the universe's hints and ventured out with the same aim in mind. I should mention that, in Sydney at least, ikea does not cater to the car-less - our closest store is not very well catered to by public transport, so that one has to cab it, or walk a round trip of almost 10 kilometres.

Apparently the universe does not appear to care for being laughed at, because when we went to order aforementioned shelves, the ikea salesperson informed us that there were none in stock, but that they expected some next week. I asked if expected meant that they would definitely arrive next week and she responded "probably not", that it was more likely to be next year. There were, however, twenty-eight of them in Homebush (which is quite far away and even more impossible to get to). Could we order and pay for it at Moore Park and have it delivered from Homebush (as most normal stores would be more than happy to do
¹)? No, of course we could not, we would have to trek out there.

So, screw you ikea. You don't want to make it easy for me to buy things from you, I'll take my moderate disposable income elsewhere (although I have a suspicion that my stance will not last terribly long, given that there is no-one selling anything remotely similiar with the required depth).

We still haven't quite worked out what the universe is trying to say. Perhaps "save some money you idiots & stick with the uggy² furniture"?

¹ Myer, DJs, Freedom Furniture for example, have in the past fallen over themselves to get things in for me from other stores.
² uggy^TM Harriet's youngest.

did these indians have a direct connection with the knockout cigarettes?

2005-12-05T13:35:00.000+11:00

Mrs Hardly: I had the C-64 out on the weekend and we played a few
rousing games of bobble bubble, barbie, hover bovver and cricket with
the babies.
Prof: Why don't you buy them a typewriter.
Mrs H: Why would I want to buy them a typewriter?
Prof: Because if you are going to let them use such obsolete
technology, you may as well go back to the typewriter, or why not get
them fountain pens and blotters?
Mrs H: <thinking> Professor, you are dead to me. Dead.

"that fresh kid again," he said menacingly. "you got an unhealthy interest in the time."

2005-12-04T19:20:00.000+11:00

This weekend Fenton resurected the pauvre dead T20, by combining his and Nancy's dead ones. Now we have a laptop again - hurrah!

8<-------------------------

We had yet another resignation at the Marie Celeste on Friday, I am unsure how many this makes it now, but it is rather a lot in the almost 12 months that I have been there.

The Powers That Be have tackled the retention problems head on and ... called in the consultants <sigh>. We've had a round of staff satisfaction surveys, focus groups and the like. Apparently the results for my division are utterly appalling. The reporting uses some sort of traffic light methodology for what the consultants consider to be key areas of strength/weakness and rumour has it that all of ours are red (around 27 of them).

We have a staff meeting on the morning of the 6th, where the results will be officially presented to us, followed by a two hour divisional de-brief. I can see now that it will be all the fault of the staff for not getting with the programme (and being afraid of change - which is a constant refrain) and not at all the fault of the fembot (at whose feet everyone squarely laid blame). Ah, the joys of corporate life!

In other Marie Celeste news, my new role is awaiting approval (this could take quite a while), it had better mean more cash, because I'm rather tired of being paid approximately half of what the rest of Dept. Cool-until-you-are-actually-in-it is for doing similar work.

"haven't you heard?" the officer asked in surprise. "the arrow that shot your father was poisoned!"

2005-11-25T21:43:00.000+11:00

Technology hates me - part 674

I was most excited this morning because I managed to locate the CD which contains the dodgy-cam software. Finally, I thought, I will get to share my mad quasi-convict-outfit creation skillz.

Sadly, it is not to be - after installing the software and trying to suck the photos out, I recieved multiple "camera connection error" windows and voila - photos had disappeared from the camera.

This is what I get for using the dodgy-cam, rather than one of the two decent cameras.

Shit.

8<----------------------------

The Project is no further along than when I last blogged about it. I seem to have been overtaken by a brooding, grumpish malaise. I suspect it has to do with Fenton being gone yet again, because when he made a flying visit home for less than 24 hours I was quite cheerful. Obviously I am not quite so zen with the whole travel thing as I would like to believe. Thankfully this is allegedly the last trip for the year.

"the place was empty, but just after your father left the house, he was struck from behind by an arrow."

2005-11-25T18:08:00.000+11:00

It's been a long time between drinks in the D Grade celebrity spotting.

Today broke the drought, when I spotted a wee blonde dressed-to-the-nines, made up to within an inch of her life, teetering (on 6 inch silver stilettos¹) down the steepish hill of Lizzie Bay Road toward Lizzie Bay Cellars. Yes, it was Tacky Ho.

In other news, I think we need some of this around here (although she has been surprisingly good today - I feel this definitely cannot last):

¹because *everyone* wears 6 inch silver stilettos at 5.30pm.

the hardy boys' convertible, heading for the open country, whizzed past a road sign inscribed bayport city limits

2005-11-23T19:00:00.000+11:00

You may remember way back in August 2004, I was bemoaning the discontinuation of *my* beloved Crabtree & Evelyn Vanilla fragrance. It would seem I am not the only one doing the bemoaning, because I receive a reasonable proportion of hits searching for it.

Well, the parfum gods have smiled upon me and I have found a substitute - hurrah!

Yay for L'Occitane Eau des Vaniliers!

Not entirely the same smell, but close enough to make a happy Mrs Hardly.

Oh fuck! I just dropped spaghetti bolognaise on the CREAM carpet.

Titles courtesy of The Hardy Boys: The Sign of the Crooked Arrow [No. 19]

"the warning sign i put up here, and the ghost legend helped keep people away - but not you nosy kids"

2005-11-23T17:35:00.000+11:00

Warning: extreme geekery ahead.

In response to a hilarious snippet from slashdot thread:

"The Matrix: The Text Adventure

MORPHEUS: Go Down The Hall.
NEO: There's an office at the end of the hall!
MORPHEUS: Go There.
NEO: I am there.
MORPHEUS: Go In It.
NEO: Sorry, I don't understand that.
MORPHEUS: GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: ...
MORPHEUS: OPEN THE DOOR AND GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: Oh, okay.
MORPHEUS: God, I Hate Text RPGS."

My geeky pal at Marie Celeste emailed me with:

MORPHEUS: "Which do you wish to take. The red or the blue?"
NEO: "Take red."
MORPHEUS: "I do not understand the word take."
NEO: "Get red."
MORPHEUS: "Get red what?"
NEO: "Pill."
MORPHEUS: "Pill what?"
NEO: "Get red pill."
MORPHEUS: "I see no pills here."
NEO: "Redescribe"
MORPHEUS: "You are in a maze of twisty apartment corridors, all alike.
You see : Morpheus
Red tablet
Blue tablet
NEO: "Take red tablet."
MORPHEUS: "I do not understand the word take. You have taken too long and have been eaten by a wandering grue.
Do you wish to Restore/New/Quit?"

I laughed so much I couldn't breathe (lordy I am a nerd!).

He then sent me a link to a fantasticly fantastic text adventure game, as a consequence neither he nor I did terribly much work today, so obsessed were we.

Click here to play the sensational Aisle.

Go on, it's fabulously fabulous.

Things you need to know:

Click the "Do It" button to start.
You only get one turn before the game is over - but don't let that stop you, just click "Do It" and try another command. And you must try more than one command (preferably at least 22) to get the most from the game.

To start you off, try DANCE or SING or CLIMB SHELVES.

"next time i get my hands on the hardy pests and their fat friend - "

2005-11-21T22:03:00.000+11:00

Whenever a series of Bad Things occur, I am well known for remarking, "What is the universe trying to tell you?"

Now after the death of my second computer, the laser printer decides to start ghosting text. It's not the toner, nor the rollers. I suspect it is a fuser problem - damn. I also suspect it is no longer under warranty. And Nancy has an assignment due on Wednesday (which she has actually done some work on!).

Fortunately we have an inkjet that may be able to do the job (somewhat less professionally), but it hasn't actually been turned on for about 6 months, so who knows if it is still operational? I guess testing is in order - so much for my lovely nights read.

What is the universe trying to tell me about the computing devices in my house?

frank wheeled around to see two ill-dresed, swarthy men break out of the crowd, each carrying a suitcase

2005-11-21T20:15:00.000+11:00

Oh crap, my second computer has just died (doesn't everyone have 2 computers on their desk?) - taking the dodgy-cam software with it and naturally, despite a mammoth search, I cannot find the CD containing the dodgy-cam software.

Thus I am unable to share the results of my weekend's labour - a "convict" outfit for Bess' upcoming excursion to Elizabeth Farm. I have come to the conclusion that constructing a mob cap sucks.

I'm certain I will eventually locate the CD when I least expect it.

All of this costume creation has rather put me off working on The Project this evening. Instead, I will wrap myself up in Miss Marple. Many thanks to the Scathingly Brilliant Cellobella for prompting me to add these delights to my reading list.

The Hardly haus is currently being rocked by pyrotechnics from the Australian Idol final. I am proud to say that I have kept my resolution and not watched one episode this year, as a consequence I am coming last in the tipping competition at Marie Celeste. It's a small start to breaking the reality tv habit - of course I am stil completely addicted to both the Biggest Loser and the completely snarktacular Australian Princess. I want to be Jean Broke-Smith when I grow up.

the next morning frank and joe drove to the morton farm to meet chet and the girls for their shell-hunting date

2005-11-16T22:17:00.000+11:00

The Project.

My secret shame is my lounge suite.

On the upside it is tremendously comfortable and is a Moran and consequently originally was Very Expensive. On the downside it was made in the 80s and is covered in a light salmon, dark salmon, cream and cyan striped fabric. Oh and in true 80s style it has floppy bits that are supposed to hang over the sides and back, but invariably these floppy bits end up scrunched up down the sides of cushions.

For several years I have hidden my shame behind loose covers of my own construction, but these are looking rather tired and so Fenton and I decided to Do Something About It. We could have bought something new, but there are grubby children to consider, so, in a moment of extreme madness, we decided we would reupholster it - ourselves.

Have you ever bitten off more than you can chew? I'm having one of those moments. I've done this to furniture in the past, but this is proving rather challenging.

I should have taken pictures. I may yet take pictures if the results are not too ghastly.

I suspect my estimated one week was somewhat naïve. I hope to finish the smaller of the two by the end of next week.

My computer and consequently my blog are feeling very neglected as a result.

In other news, my Bad Child has been a Good(ish) Child for almost a week now.

frank peeked at the garish orange-and-purple cover. "'limbo for hot-spirited latins!' wow!'

2005-11-09T19:04:00.000+11:00

Being somewhat of a closet geek, I'm giving flock a whirl and am posting this from my browser.

It's all terribly exciting. However whether it works remains to be seen.

I've been having rather a difficult time of it lately - it's icky when both your work and home life suck (particularly when you have a Bad Child). So apologies for the scarity of posts.

<edited to add> for some reason flock hates my titles and inserts all sorts of really odd tags in my post. Perhaps not so terribly exciting after all!!

aunt gertrude walked quickly to the hi-fi set, snatched a disc from the turntable and slipped it into an album.1

2005-11-02T21:58:00.000+11:00

My blog is worth $7,339.02.
How much is your blog worth?

I'm not entirely sure on what planet it is worth $7,339.02, but if anyone should like to throw $7,339.02 my way, I wouldn't complain.

I'm still out-of-sorts, stupid summery weather. I think the Hardly clan needs to become reverse-migratory (following the cold).

¹title continued on next entry.

that's all a secret lingo. 'pennant' is a munitions plot - and 'league' is the explosive! 'tough' means it's hard to get

2005-10-31T18:15:00.000+11:00

I've drawn Envoy and Strasbourg in the $2 Melbourne Cup sweep at Marie Celeste. Given my past form, this is surely the kiss of death for both ponies - you have been warned.

On Friday one of my colleagues was invited to her 20 year high school reunion - this horrified both of us, for we are the same age. 20 years - holy crap. My colleague (who I cannot think of a cunning pseudonym for) is fabulous, single and childless - which by all accounts causes problems at renunions, because there is an awful lot of overt pity for and looking down at the childless. In jest, she said she would perhaps take a photo of her niece and claim it as her own. Always up for the humour, I suggested she invent a fabulous husband who had died in some spectacular fashion. She responded that this wouldn't be an untruth. Shit. Note to self: just shut the fuck up.

The beginnings of daylight savings do not treat this old lady very kindly.

light flooded the scene, revealing a dishevelled, struggling woman wildly swinging her handbag.

2005-10-27T18:05:00.000+10:00

The image above is a result of my paranoia that those in the workplace may search for The Procedure in an effort to locate the blog, as they have suggested they might.

We have whiteness, it looks very nice, even sparkly.

However, after starting off as a complete doddle, by the end The Procedure was agonising and afterward was worse than agonising. I cannot recall ever experiencing such pain (says she who has given birth completely drug-free three times). I am not convinced that it was entirely worth the pain (ask me when my laser-burned bottom lip stops hurting), but hey, I am sparkly.

crouching forward, frank and joe waited, tensing their bodies like taut bowstrings

2005-10-24T20:53:00.000+10:00

Guess what I've got?

Good Fenton, give him a pat.

"joe! the dishes and beds! where's that furniture polish? if aunty finds the house in this shape, we'll really get a lecture!"

2005-10-22T11:33:00.000+10:00

Please note: the images referred to in this entry will be uploaded when I can actually get near my own computer, which is currently infested with small children.

8<-------------

I'm feeling rather out of sorts, primarily because I have a Bad (oldest) Child. And, to be honest, I'm perfectly sick of her Bad Ways. As I am sure you are all aware, teenagers just suck. Damn, I'd love one of those swotty, obedient, helpful children right about now.

Often I laugh hysterically at my delusion and naiviety when she was a wee babe, for I assumed that providing her with a supportive, stimulating home environment would make for a Good, Studious Child. Well, I laugh hysterically when not berating myself for being A Bad Mother (stupid cultural conditioning).

8<-------------

I'm also out of sorts because the move to Department Cool has been rather less fabulous than I thought it would be and Bodecia leaving means that I will take on a a whole raft of her work with no increased remuneration pour moi (Bodecia earns roughly twice my salary). Apparently my role will be reviewed in December, we'll see if I end up with more of the ready, of course I am realistic enough to know that there is no way that this will happen.

As heretical as it is to admit, I miss the work at batshitcrazyorg. Even though the organisation itself is the epitome of evil, Industrial Relations is infinitely more interesting than what I do now (which I cannot mention because it may reveal the identity of the Marie Celeste).

I also feel lumpy and old and less-than-attractive - blah!

8<-------------

My drunken ramblings were incorrect, my teeths become sparkly and white on the 26th and not the 20th. On the 20th I collected the whitening trays and as a consequence of the tray making, now have the most stylish objet d'art which will make a wonderful addition to the Hardly decor - a fab yellow plaster replica of my teeth.

8<-------------

Bess (so far A Good Child) has been nagging for more board games to be added to the Hardly stash. So, from desperation and inability to think of an alternative, I picked up a copy of Cluedo (Clue for any visiting Americans) yesterday and a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle to sate her appetite for non-computer stuff.

I envision all these little pieces being scattered throughout the house.

So far family-game wise we have Monolpoly, The Game of Life, The Simpsons Board Game, Simpsons Trivia Game (worst. game. ever.) and a few card-type games. We aren't keen on Scrabble or word type games (not really Bess' forte and we do try to avoid tears). A game that is fairly chancey and doesn't require a whole lot of skill would be excellent. Suggestions for additional board games to add to the stash welcomed.

8<-------------

Fenton returns tomorrow. I am over this travelling, but there unfortunately are still more trips to be made before the end of the year.

his brother ducked as the lethal blades spun crazily past, missing his head by inches

2005-10-18T18:42:00.000+10:00

I just adore The Biggest Loser, and now they are apparently planning an Australian version - with the fabulous Bob and Jillian. Which, if it is anything like the Australian version of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy - will suck mightily and means we will never see the real version again.

I checked out the online application form and it contained such gems as:

Have you ever hit someone in anger or self-defence? Yes / No (Circle One)
If so, tell us about it, how old were you, what happened?

Have you ever had a restraining order placed against you? Yes / No (Circle One)
(If so, what were the circumstances?)

Have you now or have you ever owned or appeared on any web sites? Yes / No (Circle One)
If so, explain:

This week's titles: Hardy Boys: Footprints under the Window (No. 24)

well, young man, you seem a bright kind of shaver. here's a sixpence for you.

2005-10-15T12:15:00.000+10:00

I'm featuring a guest title for one day only. It's a departure from the theme, but one which I could not resist. I'm sure you can see why it delighted me - I plan to slip it into conversation at the soonest opportunity. The day I run out of Hardy quotes, I suspect Agatha will be getting a long run.

I was feeling rather out of sorts this morning, so cheered myself with a visit to the library and returned with the following stash:

More later.

Spectacular title courtesy of Agatha Christie - Murder in the Mews.

"fenton expects his sons to follow through and see justice done. he doesn't want me to pamper them into being cowards."

2005-10-14T21:45:00.000+10:00

It's 9.48pm and I am very inebriated. So much so that I have to re-type every second key. So much so that a walk from The Rocks to Lizzie Bay didn't sober me up. So much so that a cold shower didn't sober me up. I am hoping that a strong coffee will sober me up. Call me a pessimist, but somehow I think not. All that after 3 glasses of chardonnay. Yes, I am a really cheap drunk.

The cause of all of this libation (I would have typed libatiousness, but it appears not to be a word, but perhaps it will be a word when I am sober tomorrow) is that Boadicea (who is Nancy grown up) from Team Cool resigned today (which will cause ructions), so we were celebrating that and her permanent residency. I was the only person from the Marie Celeste to attend. So I socialised with a bunch of 30-ish hipsters, who were aghast that I have an 11 year old and horrified to discover that I had a 17 year old. Always good for the ego.

I just turned on the teev - some Star Trek film is on - Patrick Stewart is rather dishy, isn't he?

I had my mouth-thingies (I'm sure there is a proper word for it, which currently escapes me) made for my teeth whitening today. $650.00 to eat plasticine. Whitening occurs on the 20th October. I will have to take some before and after shots. It had better be worth the obscene amount of money it is costing.

I also attended some all-day team building training today, which was interesting. One of the facilitators had these peculiar spectacles which snapped together above the bridge of the nose with a magnet, so she was able to snap them on to read and off to hang them around her neck - it tripped me out. During the training we had to do a Myers-Briggs test - apparently I am an ENTP (which seems reasonably accurate). What are you dear reader?

I think I will go and lie down on the couch.

In other news, I miss Fenton.

after hanging up, he asked mrs hardy, "have you an unmounted diamond?"

2005-10-12T17:48:00.000+10:00

I intended to post this yesterday, but my wayward child distracted me by being very wayward indeed.

I arrived at the Marie Celeste yesterday to find yet another email pimping the motivational posters:

It would seem the intent is for everyone in the division to have a motivational poster at their workstation. Way to reinforce that we are mindless clones, Fembot. Apparently there are also large, framed posters of the same four prints, which will be located at strategically throughout the floor. This will be the only artwork we have.

I am one of the remaining (very) few who have not selected a print. I suspect my name is now on a list somewhere.

In protest, I now have the following as my desktop picture:

Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.

Courtesy of the fabulous despair.com

I need a new job. Hmmmmmm, I seem to recall saying something similar at the same time last year....

In other news, in keeping with embracing the theme, you may notice a wee change to the default gravatar in the comments.

frank, meanwhile, had found his deep-voiced opponent a kicker, who viciously jabbed his heels into the boy's back.

2005-10-10T19:51:00.000+10:00

Oftentimes, particularly after a few days of annual leave, I wonder what the hell I am doing at the Marie Celeste. Particularly when I arrive to find an email like this from our GM, The Fembot:

The humanity!

I thought it prudent to make the text an image, so it is not searchable. Paranoid, much?

Fenton jetted off to San Jose yesterday. For once, I am actually envious of this trip, as is Nancy. For we are madly keen on the Tales of the City¹ novels by Armistead Maupin, and would have spent vast amounts of time checking out the haunts of Michael, Mona, Maryanne, Mrs Madrigal et al. But alas, my dentist is enjoying the fruits of my wage-slavery.

A red-letter day in the Hardly household on Sunday, as Bess finally completed her first knitting project (with a little assistance from mummy who knitted a sizeable portion of the endless, well endless to a 9 year old, grey part). This is terribly exciting as Nancy has no interest in crafts and I despaired that I would have no-one to share my m4d cr4ft1ng sk1||z with.

Behold, the scarf:

The flowers are cunningly placed to disguise some, errr, construction errors.

Now off to read the blogs I missed during my absence from the computer!

¹and in searching for that link, I find there is actually a tour. Fabulous!

in a flash joe flung the desk chair at the two men, then the boys jumped them!

2005-10-04T18:00:00.000+10:00

First day in the sparkly new office today. So new that building works are still going on all around us.

As a celebratory gift, we received an umbrella with the new Marie Celeste logo and possibly the ugliest backpack ever (also with logo). Now I have umbrellas and bags from my last 3 employers (call me fussy, but I'd rather the giftage Fenton's compani hands out).

It's not very evident from the very ordinary image, but the silvery bits are a kind of faux-snakeskin - classy.

I have an interesting new workspace, if I stretch my arms out I can touch both walls of my cubicle at once. No, I don't have abnormally long arms.

quickly joe felt for Frank's hand and gave it a hard squeeze, meaning, "let's attack!" instantly frank answered with the "agreed!" handshake

2005-10-03T16:18:00.000+10:00

Typing in notepad because blogger is down for maintenance - pah!

Nancy's cold has turned out to be tonsillitis. You'd think, because she is unable to talk, that things would be a lot more relaxed around the Hardly haus. Unfortunately, this is not the case. There is much clicking of fingers to summons me and much note writing. Unlike her younger siblings, she is quite the tyrannical one when ill. I blame the hair.

Over the long weekend, despite Fenton and I also feeling quite poorly (no danger of me coming down with tonsillitis, because I am of the generation where tonsils were ripped out at the first sign of trouble), our intent was to escape the Hardly haus as much as possible. But it is disgustingly hot here - currently 33^oC (91.4^oF) at 4pm, and who would want to venture out in that? So we've largely been confined to the house, making jelly for she-who-must-be-obeyed, fetching all manner of things for she-who-must-be-obeyed and generally hanging about doing not a lot.

I did, however, manage to escape the haus and score Space 1999 Season 1 (best costumes, sets and theme ever!) for $25 at JB hi-fi.

In other glued to the teev news, like the lovely James, I'm a sucker for witty repartee, so when he posted about The Thin Man, despite having absolutely no knowledge of it (to my shame), I knew I had to get my hands on a copy. Fenton and I watched it on Saturday evening and I'm pleased to report it was every bit as gloriously wacky as I had hoped. Now I must have more Nick and Nora (hopefully Fenton can pick me up the next one or two when he jets off to San Jose next weekend).

two indicated caution. long, short, long meant, "we'd better scram." an ordinary handshake was, "agreed".

2005-09-28T19:03:00.000+10:00

Tonight, Fenton and I are constructing his new computer. It's only taken since June for him to decide upon what he wanted after the beloved laptop died.

The bits:

He has a 160gb hard drive. I would have thought this was excessive, until last week when I discoved I had completely filled my 60gb drive after only 9 months.

More pix later.

Here is a rather crappy photograph of the faux-g5 case (although of course the g5 case is much sexier):

some time before this, the hardys had devised a series of hand-squeeze signals. one hard squeeze meant, "let's attack!"

2005-09-28T17:53:00.000+10:00

Gosh, has it really been a whole week?

We've had babies, babies and more babies in the Hardly House. Babies with colds - well, one baby with a cold, which has merrily infected both Nancy and myself. Hopefully, we will all be recovered in time for the next baby instalment, so rather than lying about saying "blah", we can do stuff.

We did manage one outing before we were struck down. It's the 150th anniversary of rail in NSW, so we went to check out some old trains at Central Station - the babies and I, being total geeks, quite dig trains. I thought that there would not be terribly many people about, sadly I was very, very wrong. There were thousands of people - predominantly small boys and trainspotters - and more hideously expensive photographic equipment than I have ever seen in one location. We would have taken a steam train ride, but it would have been very hot, crowded and stinky. We saw some most exellent models of train carriages, which I took pics of with my phone, but sadly cannot get them out - because my phone is complete crap. All in all it was quite fun.

After having a rant at farewell drinks¹ on Friday night about hating to receive flowers from boys (because I consider it a really soft option), Fenton reminded me on Saturday just why he is completely super-fantastic when he presented me with this:

For the non-rail travellers amongst us and those outside Sydney, this is a sticker from a cityrail carriage. These stickers are invariably touched up with liquid paper to become:

I've wanted one for ever-so-long, to put on a shirt or a bag, and thought I'd have to fake it, but now I have a genuine one! So much better than flowers!

¹another 3 rats deserted the ship.

Titles courtesy of Hardy Boys: What Happened at Midnight (no. 21)

"i certainly can," mr allen said. "but not without protection. i'm going to assign a husky body guard to accompany you!"

2005-09-21T17:41:00.000+10:00

Another week, another wad of cash to dishy-dentist. This wad was rather less than I had expected (but still approx. $900), so I am treating myself to whitening in 3 weeks (when I have the chance to amass some more of the ready) because after spending all of this money, I want them blindingly sparkly, godsdamnit.

My beloved Fenton returned home one week early (and there was much rejoicing).

Fenton endeared himself to me further by purchasing me this:

on Sunday from the lovelies at aus pc market. The card was delivered by Monday lunch-time (super-fast!) and is working a treat. Although the real test will be on Saturday when Joe/Frank and Bess attempt a 4 day tag-team Sims2 marathon. Yes, it's school holidays once again and once again I am dreading Joe/Frank's school holiday assignment (topic as yet unknown).

"she tries to forget her worries," mrs tyson said confidingly, "by always going to the movies and to parties. poor thing."

2005-09-14T20:46:00.000+10:00

The mystery gift revealed....







Someone has a very, very good memory!

Thanks a bunch to the lovely Harriet, I've been raking up a storm.

My new haircut rocks. The stylist wants to use me for her final presentation, sadly this is on Sunday and I am busy with babies. I feel a little guilty because I really want to help her out (particulary after the great fee cut), so I said I could see what I could do, but sadly I can do not a hell of a lot.

Fenton may be back on the weekend - hurrah!

"that's enough!" he panted. "don't hit me again!" he dropped and lay on the floor like a whipped dog.

2005-09-13T18:58:00.000+10:00

A situation that once promised so much will deliver very little. Let your failures and disappointments act as a wake-up call this week and vow to act more independently in the future.

Those were my stars for today. Interestingly, after the earlier disappointment at not sitting in the same area as Department Cool, I have been moved into Department Cool full time - in a new role. Various members of Dept Cool have been pushing for this for a while. No more admin! Hurrah!

Hopefully it will deliver more than very little (although there is nothing in the way of more cash at this stage).

Tomorrow's are no better...

The tendency to make unrealistic promises probably stems from pride or a need from respect. You can cope with the extra workload and responsibilities, but your schedule will have to be adjusted and help sought.

Free haircut tomorrow - yay!

Titles courtesy of The Hardy Boys: The Great Airport Mystery (No.18)

aunt gertrude's eyes were red from weeping. in each hand she held a concealed onion.

2005-09-12T22:34:00.000+10:00

After the sad and untimely death of tamarabuchi (heavy manufacturing concern) last week, we have a new addition to the Hardly household.

Welcome to Red Kerry¹......

Once again the bed will be unbalanced, with Fenton leaving for Malaysia yet again this morning. He'll be back in two weeks, here for two weeks, off to San Jose for two weeks, here for another two weeks and off to Malaysia again for 3 weeks. Hopefully that will see the end of the travel for a wee while. I am heartily sick of colleagues asking why I do not go with him. It's work, people, not a fun time in the sun (as if Fenton would have a fun time in any form of sun!).

I suspect we will see a rash of SCEGGS girls having their bags snatched after this ridiculously irresponsible article in the Sun Herald.

This is hilarious. It's pretty much the reaction everyone I know had, a sort of outraged, "Melbourne?!?".
Link via crikey.

¹yes, we are big fans of The 7.30 Report

shortly after midnight, it began to rain, and the boys shivered under wet ponchos for four hours.

2005-09-10T18:19:00.000+10:00

Today Fenton and I ventured out to the COFA Fair Day. We were hoping to acquire some art, but alas, there was nothing that really did it for us (I'm going to have to put Joe/Frank to work creating a piece). Ahhh, young artists - so earnest, so subversive, so idealistic - humourous because you just know that 95% of them will end up working for The Man.

Cutest thing witnessed today:
On the way up Oxford Street two small blonde girls (around 5 and 7) walking behind their Paddington-style mother chanting "no more shops, no more shops".

Most surprising happening of today:
An uber trendy girly approaching me in the street, told me she was training with Toni and Guy, had noticed I had a bob and wanted to cut my hair - for free. Of course I said yes. She gave me her card, took my number and will call me during the week. Fenton couldn't understand why I thought this was super-cool, fortunately Nancy shared my glee.

Most hilarious sight witnessed today:
Dude stuck in 1984 - shiny black vinyl pants, long-sleeved black tee-shirt, black shiny pointy toed shoes, Robert Smith hair cut and a fire-engine red vinyl tie. Fabulous! It's at times like these I wish I carried a camera on my person (my phone takes photos, but it is next to impossible to suck them out).

And lastly, belated birthday greetings to the most lovely Harriet. Which I am ashamed to say I totally forgot about. And what does Harriet do for her birthday? Sends me a gift - a mystery gift. Sadly the mystery gift remains a mystery and will involve a trip to the Post Office on Monday before its mysteries can be unravelled.

at the dock where the sleuth was berthed, they were met with reproving glances. not only were they late, but dishevelled.

2005-09-08T19:33:00.000+10:00

Another Thursday, another numb/tingly tongue. Yes, it was dentist day again.

Total outlay so far: $5000 (what a nice round number). But we are not finished yet - argh! In a very Pollyanna-ish moment I decided that I was glad that I at least *have* $5000 to spend on dental work (even though it leaves any spending for leisure out of the question for a wee while, I will still have teeth that will not need work for "many, many years", to quote dishy-dentist).

"never you mind. you just can't rely on men who don't have a woman around the house to keep them straight."

2005-09-06T18:26:00.000+10:00

This week at Mrs Hardly's blog, we will be enjoying titles courtesy of The Hardy Boys Shore Road Mystery (No. 17).

I'm currently tweaking the template, so will be back with more of the usual dross later this evening.

<later>

Well, that was rather quicker than I had anticipated.

Regular visitors may notice the addition to the sidebar. While in no way as cool as the lovely Rowen's recent comments, hopefully it will enable me to see when someone has commented and actually respond, rather than seeming like an aloof cow.

8<-----------------------

You may remember the library bag I made for Joe/Frank back in March. I mentioned in the now vanished comments¹ that I had made one for Bess and that I would take a photo at the first opportunity and the opportunity arose when I collected them from school on Friday afternoon:

Another reason never to throw anything away (I really didn't say that, Harriet!) Because it was crafted from old jeans and skirts.

8<-----------------------

Nancy had yet another assignment which she left until the last minute on the weekend. On this occasion it was a chemistry assignment, a practical chemistry assignment. There was much shouting about being irresponsible.

Here is the lovely tripod we concocted.

Thank the universe that Fenton was home to assist and to calm my frazzled nerves - because I could have cheerfully strangled her.

¹I really must do something about finding some comments that do not disappear after 3 months.

could the boy have landed headfirst and now be stuck in the ooze?

2005-09-01T17:47:00.000+10:00

As much as I adore winter (such that it was this year), when September hits, I find myself delighted and <gasp> happy. Perhaps I don't adore winter as much as I think I do.

I'm happy despite shelling out even more cash to dishy-dentist this afternoon (total of my dental outlay so far this year: approximately $3800) and my teeth were quite good, or so they tell me! I'm simply having some quite elderly filings in my molars replaced with inlays (I think inlays is what they are called). I imagine there will be a couple of thousand more to go, it's times like these I think a health fund would be a good idea (although it would only give me about a quarter or less back).

3/4 of my tongue is numb and tingly and I really wish it would stop.

Fenton returns on Saturday (and there will be much rejoicing) for a couple of weeks and then is off again just as I've had time to readjust to a balanced bed. I think I need yoga, or a rack, or one of those things that let you hang upside down in a door jamb (google tells me it is called an inversion rack).

the stout boy gulped. "they're going to use us as human sacrifices!" he cried, panic-stricken.

2005-08-29T18:05:00.000+10:00

The continuing story of the 12 Steps of Nancy's English assignment...

Ninth Step:
Tear five bandage-type strips from sheet.



Tenth Step:
Decide that generic PVA craft glue has superior adhesive qualities to uHu glue. And begin the arduous process of glueing brand names cut from magazines onto the "bandages".

Eleventh Step:
Wait overnight for glue to dry

Twelfth Step:
Be woken early by nasty helicopters hovvering low over the suburb and wrap.




FIN

Excuse the poor picture quality, I'm using the dodgycam while the travelling boy has the decent camera (I'm not about to unpack the compani-giftage camera - which we might eBay, should we have the inclination)

"it's strange, too," frank added, "because he seemed to be a very nice person, not the kind who'd plant deadly explosives."

2005-08-28T14:40:00.000+10:00

Sadly, Nancy is the type of adolescent who wakes at 10.00am on a Sunday and announces she has a quite complex assignment due the next day, for which she has done no planning or preparation. Usually this occurs when she has a 6+ hour shift at Krusty Burger on Sunday afternoon/evening.

This morning was no different. She has an English assignment due tomorrow. A visual representation of one of the works of Bruce Dawe and the wickedness of consumerism. I recall her teacher speaking to us about this assignment at the Parent/Teacher interview all those months ago, where she claimed collages would not be looked upon kindly, because she considered them a cop-out.

So after much shouting about how these things need to be done much sooner than the day before and the much workshopping, we arrived at the idea of a female torso wrapped in bandages with brand names plastered all over them and titling the piece "wrapped in consumerism". Super-lame, but just the kind of whacked out idea that her teacher would aprrove of.

But how to make a torso in a hurry?

I recalled that I had seen duct-tape dressforms somewhere in the long distant past, and a quick google put me right. Surely it couldn't be *that* hard?

After a quick trip to Woolies for duct tape and bandages (would you believe they do not stock bandages at Woolworths Potts Point? In desperation I grabbed a white sheet for ripping into bandages) we were ready to wrap!

First step:
Music to wrap to

Second step:

Nancy wears a paypal t-shirt, which I am more than happy to sacrifice.

Third step:
I begin to wrap Nancy in duct tape - much whinging ensues. Wrapping is rather problematic because the tape around her hips begins riding up around her waist. We decide to abandon the hips and go for the waist up.

The completed wrapping:

Fourth Step:
Cut off the form, by slicing all the way up the back, being careful not to cut her bra-strap.

Fifth step:
Decide that discarded issues of MX from the recycling pile will make superior stuffing to polyfil (because I actually *have* the issues of MX)

Sixth step:
Begin the long and arduous stuffing and wrapping. Discover that breasts are really difficult to stuff symmetrically. Be very glad of laziness of self and raid recycling pile for heavy cardboard to help support various areas.

Six and a halfth step:
Change CD:

Repeat sixth step.

Seventh step:
The finished, rather lopsided, form:

Eighth step:
Realise duct tape dressforms are ridiculously difficult to make and hope to the gods that it looks slightly more realistic when bandaged.

During this time Nancy is raiding issues of Cleo, Harpers Bazaar, Marie Clare and Shop Til You Drop for appropriate advertising to glue to the bandages.

Next we move to bandage making (we're currently testing various adhesives).

Really, the fun never stops in the Hardly Haus.

this is the last time we are warning you to to stop your sleuthing in this case or harm will come to you.

2005-08-28T09:19:00.000+10:00

Friday was the Day of Cleaning Up at the Marie Celeste. We have these periodically throughout the year, but they are occurring more frequently in the lead up to our move to a new location. Very sensible practice indeed (and shocking, given that Marie Celeste and sensible aren't terms you would ordinarily put in the same sentence, unless there is a big "not" between them). Casual clothes are de rigueur and we spend the day filling recycling bins and chucking stuff out - it's actually rather more fun than it sounds.

Unfortunately the downside of all of this cleaning is the tendency to make unfavourable comparisons between the high level of neatness and organisation at the workstation to the not-quite-so-high-level at the Hardly Hovel - and then resolve to Do Something About It.

With this in mind, I decided that on Saturday I would consolidate the various caches of paper secreted throughout the Hardly house. I needed somewhere to put the papers once consolidated, so of course this required shopping.

After I returned home from a short shopping expedition to Westfield Bondi Junction I realised exactly why it is that I should not be allowed to roam shopping centres unaccompanied.

I intended to only purchase a plastic lidded box to hang suspension files in. Sure, this goes against all of my better records management judgement, but I know suspension will work for me and I refuse to have a lateral filing system at home (an ex-boss had one years ago - right down to the alphabetic codafile labels down the side!).

This is what I arrived home with:

Plastic file box
3 packets of suspension files
1 Berenstain Bears DVD boxed set
1 spongebob squarepants tv game
1 duvet cover
<cough> 8 <cough> pairs of pants - well, some of them were on sale

I need to be stopped!

suddenly, however, he recalled something. the sound of the getaway car's motor. it had a very strange ping!*

2005-08-26T19:47:00.000+10:00

The award for the oddest use of inverted commas I've spotted in a while goes to The Sydney Morning Herald of yesterday for the headline:

Baby 'survives' Peru crash in mother's arms.

8<-------------

This is just plain scary.

8<-------------

I've discovered that Dencorub Heat Gel leaves a rather spectacular rash on my neck and shoulder. As a bonus, it also removes skin! On the upside, my soreness has dissipated somewhat, I'm rather tender on waking, but I think that is due to the imbalance in the Hardly bed - which, thankfully, will be rebalanced in another week for a short while.

*Not my emphasis.

"how would you and frank like to see some shrunken heads?"

2005-08-23T18:52:00.000+10:00

Whenever Fenton goes away for an extended period, I always plan to make productive use of my time, but invariably do nothing at all. This fortnight appears not to be deviating from my past pattern. I had planned to do some exercising, however I've done something painful to my neck and shoulder after carrying some shopping back from Woolies. Am I really such a physical wreck that I cannot even carry shopping without injury?

8<------------------

I now have one suspect for the dobber - erstaz-madame-thingy. Horrifying, no? I understand that she might have passed in the info to a colleague in a gossip exchange (for gossip is major currency at the Marie Celeste), but we all loathe the HR Cow. So I haven't spoken to her overly much this week, quite a sensible approach.

8<------------------

more later (perhaps)

thematic

2005-08-23T17:07:00.000+10:00

This week's titles will be brought to you by The Hardy Boys: The Clue in the Embers.

As with my previous titles projects, I imagine that this will be abandoned fairly quickly.

where i learn that i should just shut the hell up

2005-08-21T20:22:00.000+10:00

Finally Mrs Hardly has come back to the blog.

Tonight sees one of those very rare occasion when I am home alone - Fenton off to Malaysia (yet again), Nancy working at Krusty Burger and babies back in the paternal fold. I finally have the opportunity to write this entry - which has been brewing since Thursday, but rather than the baby-posts which would have occured had I had opportunity, you, dear reader, can have it all in one (very long) fell swoop.

Thursday was one of those days that begin innocently, but end up being quite crappy. The journey to work was quite uneventful. I arrived at Marie Celeste to have the new boss (blog name pending) call me a diminutive of my Real Name - a diminutive which I completely despise. My real name is boganish enough, but this version of it takes it to uber-bogan-ness and I simply loathe being called it (especially by a relative stranger).

Then a whole lot of other work-related yuck happened.

The work day capped off with new boss requesting I prepare afternoon tea-type beverages for Team Freak at our usual meeting - something they do themselves by walking the four steps to the kitchen - and something that does not really fall within my purview.

So I went and had a wee whinge to a couple of trusted confidentes (I can't remember exactly how many, maybe three?) about how I was having a wee bit of trouble adjusting to new boss and cited those examples. Ersatz-madame-thingy asked if I wanted her to take it further and I responded, "good god no, I'm just sounding off to a friendly ear".

The fun did not stop there, oh no - after work I sat in the dentist's chair for 1.5 hours being drilled &etc and paid $1600.00 for the privilege (I swear dishy-dentist ugrades the boat each time one of the Hardly fam enters the office).

Friday: the big Marie Celeste function - attendance manditory. I wasn't terribly keen because I had an awful lot of work to do and spending the afternoon boozing really isn't that much fun when it is with colleagues.

New boss was out of the office in the morning and arrived just as we were all about to head off. Unfortunately I had a report running and couldn't leave until it had completed, so pretty much everyone had left. New boss asked if he could walk to the function with me, not being entirely sure where it was and I agreed.

While we were waiting for my report to finish, hanging around my desk, new boss says, "I'm sorry I called you "diminutive of your Real Name" yesterday."

Shocked, I responded, "that's okay, I don't like being called that, but if you'd made a practice of it, I would have mentioned something".

Then ... the bombshell: "I'm also sorry I asked you to do the beverages...".

I choked out a "WHAT????", followed up with a "Who the hell told you about that?"

"The HR Manager"

Cut to Mrs Hardly standing, mouth agape, eyes wide, trying desperately not to swear and oh-so-badly wanting to hide under the desk.

I tried to recover and jabbered something about just venting and that it wasn't really a problem and that if actually I had a problem I would have come to him and that I hoped he didn't think I was the sort of person that would go running off dobbing to HR for such a piddling issue and a whole lot of other stuff that I can't remember but I must have talked for about three minutes without drawing a single breath and ended up by saying that if I found out who the dobber was they would be getting a whole lot of Hardly-wrath.

So then we had to walk across the city - together - and, yeah, that was comfortable.

Walking past the QVB new boss asked me not to track down or confront the dobber. I said I didn't think that would work for me because I had a deep need to know who the mole was. He again requested I do nothing, I said I would think about it.

Then, just to add to my unbelievable fun - I had to sit next to him all through lunch. But that wouldn't have been nearly enough discomfort for me, would it? The HR Manager came and sat at out table too! Cool, huh?

Fortunately there was much alcohol and other people at the table I could chat to. I had a very lengthy chat to the professor who almost caused me more grief by loudly enquiring, "so who stopped you from moving to sit in our department?".

I then made it known to a select few about my agonies of earlier in the day and they were suitably aghast.

I have narrowed the possibilities down to two. One of them is ersatz-madame-thingy, who I adore, and given that I asked her not to pursue it, going to HR is a huge betrayal. The other person I cannot remember if I told.

The whole thing makes me feel ill.

So, over to you anonymous internet people. What would YOU do in my position? Given that you would be stupid enough to confide in colleagues in the first place, which of course you are all probably not.

===================

For non-Australian readers, there is not much worse in Australia than being a dobber. From the Macquarie Dictionary book of slang:
dob
2. dob in, a. to betray, report (someone) as for a misdemeanour.
3. dob on, to inform against; betray. [dialect variant of dab to set down abruptly, from Middle English dabben]

dobber
noun an informer; telltale.

mrs hardly reviews ..... l'oréal refinish micro-dermabrasion kit

2005-08-12T18:54:00.000+10:00

Since I was a wee young lass making my own face masks from oatmeal and honey (and egg and honey - ewwwww) I've been a bit of a DIY skin-care kind of girl - no salons for me! This is more a combination of laziness and poverty than any sort of hard-core, homespun, anti-salon stance.

While I no longer make my own, I am a bit of a sucker for new off-the shelf products - so it was with some excitement that I purchased the l'oréal refinish micro-dermabrasion kit at Woolies for around $36.

Now that I am rapidly entering old hag territory, I'm noticing some fine lines (or "expression" lines as people in denial like to refer to them) which I am keen to diminish somewhat - thinking that if this worked even a little, I would actually lash out and have it done professionally.

The kit comes with two 60ml tubes of "stuff" - the Micro-Dermabrasion Resurfacing Exfoliator (Step 1) and the Post Treatment Optimising Moisturiser Care (Step 2) and instructions. The first thing I noticed when opening the tube of M-DRE was a distinct lack of the lumpiness I've come to expect from exfoliating products. It's not dissimilar to a slightly textured moisturiser. I was mildly discouraged by the lack of lumps, but pressed on - putting little spots on my damp, cleansed face as directed by the lovely diagram (which I have reproduced below, or I will when get around to scanning it).

Then, being an obedient type of girl and following the instructions, I began to gently rub the M-DRE in a circular motion. Typically exfoliators/facial scrubs feel similar to rubbing sand onto your face (hey, I grew up at the beach), so I was expecting a similar sensation.

After about five seconds I came to realise exactly why micro-dermabrasion is so different to exfoliation ... this didn't feel like sand, it felt like I was rubbing Many Very Sharp Pointy Pins into my face.

<aside>I had a very nice image of what the Very Sharp Pointy Pin Device would look like all planned out in my head, however what was in my brain hasn't translated very well into reality, so just imagine a small block with Many Very Sharp Pointy Pins in it - all sharp, pointy end up, or a tiny hedgehog with extremely sharp spines.</aside>

According the the instructions, I still had one minute and fifty-five seconds of rubbing Many Very Sharp Pointy Pins into my face left before I completed that part of the treatment, so I sang a little song to accompany me. The song went something like: "ouch, ouch, ouchouchouch, ouch, ouch, ouchouch, ouch <repeat>".

After two minutes I was able to rinse and apply the Post Treatment Optimising Moisturiser Care. Trust me, not very much in my life has felt so soothing as that moisturiser. And afterward my skin did feel soft and even glowed just a little (as it would, having just removed a couple of layers of skin).

So, I hear you all asking, have I mascochist-style, returned for more of the Many Very Sharp Pointy Pins of pain? And, more importantly, did it get rid of those pesky old hag lines?

Well, I've used it a couple of times now and it still leaves me all soft and shiny, but sadly, the old hag lines are still in evidence. I'm not sure if I will go the professional route, because I imagine that would be significantly more painful.

Maybe I need botox. Either that or come to terms with the haggishess!

why i am an idiot

2005-08-10T21:36:00.000+10:00

I made a very Mrs Hardly-ish remark (I can't quite remember what it was, however it was probably something caustic about one of the freaks) at one of my many meetings earlier in the week and the professor commented that if I had a blog he would read it every day. Stupidly, I said I did have a blog, but that I would never tell him what it was, and grandly announced that if he could find it I'd give him one hundred dollars - so convinced was I of my superior hiding sk1llz. He accepted the challenge and said he'd search for multiple exclamation marks, because apparently that is how I speak In Real Life^TM.

Immediately afterward I realised that this was a pretty godsdamn stupid thing to do (not because I am particularly concerned with a cash loss, but I am not keen to be exposed). Sometimes I think I have a wee bit of a god complex (note to self 1: I am not invincible). So now I'm obsessively checking my hits for any suspicious activity - so far I'm unscathed. I think I just need to shut the hell up in future, oh and to lay off the exclamation marks.

My latest hits (it always amazes me that some people seem to not understand how to effectively use a search engine)

My now super-compulsive hits checking revealed this very nice post. So now, in between the hits checking, just like the lovely hazelblackberry, I am obsessively reading her archives (which I'm loving) until my eyes are dry, red and oh-so-sore, which just like the author, I do when I find a new blog (which I really should have found sooner, as the lovely Nick links to her). Note to self 2: the best blogs are always to be found from the links of blogs you link (and never ever from the very scary next blog button).

wee drama in lizzie bay

2005-08-10T18:12:00.000+10:00

When I saw the fire engines scream past I thought nothing of it - because there are always fire engines screaming past on their way to reset smoke alarms (apart from the amusement I always have at the fire engine names - "super pumper one" is my fave), but now there is an ambulance and an ambulance SUV a wee way up the road which doesn't bode terribly well at all.

<edit> emergency vehicles have departed - much more quietly than they arrived.

idiot box (or how i spent the majority of my time while afflicted with the worst. flu. ever.)

2005-08-09T19:20:00.000+10:00

I've been very good and haven't watched Australian Idol at all this year. I feel ever-so-slightly-superior that I have not been sucked into the horror this year, but those feelings are immediately countered by the fact that I have been watching Big Brother - the horror! I can't wait until it is off my screen, for it is horrifically compelling. I will just say that I completely loathe and despise the ghastly Vesna (but I would not be at all surprised if she won it - because I give the voting public no credit for taste).

We found Channel 7's treatment of Lost (skipping weeks, covering the screen with station promos and that stupid jumping logo) incredibly tiresome, so I decided to timeshift & we've watched the whole series (which was very cool and groovy - despite not a terribly great deal happening, but I dig that not a terribly great deal would happen if you were stranded on scary-arse island). We've also time-shifted and watched the first few epsiodes of Season 2 of the new Battlestar Galactica - much less tedious without the advertisements and the late night timeslot (although without any of the campy-fabulousness of the original).

We handed over a very small slab o' cash and bought firefly on DVD without having seen a single episode, purely from word on the street - still have not watched it, but given the utter garbage on offer, it will doubtless get a run soon.

dance 10, looks 3

2005-08-08T19:58:00.000+10:00

In Marie Celeste news, three more brave souls abandon ship this Thursday.

A new manager signed a contract and after touring the office and meeting the freaks, strangely decided not to join us - probably the sort of sensible approach we need more of. The second choice commenced today - seems okay, weird hair, has an extensive personal/professional website (which I am obviously not going to link to) ....... and totally freaked me out when we took him out to lunch and he prayed before eating. I'm not accustomed to such things - especially in a work environment. I'm essentially screwed, because I spend quite a bit of my time in the office blaspheming - time to be a little more creative with the vocab.

We also have a new freak in the team, I'd link to a site which details her total freakiness, but again - not something I can safely link to - suffice to say she really admires Paris Hilton (said without a trace of sarcasm), will not be coming to a company-wide function (the big Marie Celeste function of the year) because she does not believe in food in pubs (yes really) and wears ghastly ballet-type clothes to work - complete with a variety of headbands.

Ersatz-madame-thingy has been on my case about career goals (of which we all know I have none) with comments like, <french accent>"Mrs Hardly, you cannot be a PA forever, its just stupid"</french accent>. At times I envy people with aspirations.

alive!

2005-08-08T17:59:00.000+10:00

Hello all of you patient little puddings who are still with me - I'm back in the land of the living.

I wish I could say I was off having totally glamorous and super-fantastic life experiences, however after boasting to poor sick Harriet about my extreme bout of healthiness, I came down with the worst. flu. ever. and it has taken weeks to recover with the help of some nasty antibiotics to take care of the chest infection component and some multi-vitamins. We have all succumbed - Nancy and Fenton are still afflicted, but today I feel actually human for the first time in a long time. Hurrah!

Now it is off to read the awful lot of blog entries I missed while I was indisposed.

Back with more later (not that there is anything terribly exciting to impart).

priorities

2005-07-07T20:33:00.000+10:00

Multiple bombs go off in the London underground, most networks have news interrupting their programming - except Channel 10 who, of course, doesn't break its repeat of Everybody Loves Raymond - not even a little scrolling thingy at the bottom of the screen.

when too many stamps are barely enough

2005-07-07T19:11:00.000+10:00

Latest Hardly eBay purchase which arrived today - gift-wrapped!

And it is something other than Hardy Boys books.

<edited to remove identifiable bits of the postal address - thanks priscilla-sometimes-without-an-s>

little girls and wh0res1

2005-07-07T19:01:00.000+10:00

Trying the new blogger image hosting.

¹with thanks to the lovely Carson

reasons to hate school holiday assignments - part 372

2005-07-04T23:05:00.000+10:00

Joe/Frank has yet another holiday assignment (you may recall Joe/Frank is 11 years old).

The question spans three pages. Normally it is the fact that assignments are given during holiday time which annoys me - however I have taken umbrage at the assignment itself on this occasion.

Question 1 involves completing a family tree back to great grandparents - this part is, as they say, easy peasy - until you get to Joe/Frank's teacher informing him that he should not include half-siblings (of which he has two - Nancy, of course, and Bort, his baby brother). Are they any less his brother and sister because they have one different mother/father? I told Joe/Frank to include Nancy & Bort and if his teacher had a problem with it, then his father and I would have some strong words to say to her on the matter.

Question 2 raises my hackles just a wee bit further:

"Once you have told us about yourself you need to then choose a member of your family¹ to interview. The person you choose needs to have migrated to Australia from their country of origin" (teacher emphasis) and a series of interview questions follow.

Unless we hold a seance, that ain't gonna happen, lady. Joe/Frank's fam. has been in the Antipodes for at least 150 years (on all sides).

I understand the rationale behind the assignment and I'm all about multiculturalism, but this is slightly ridiculous. There is a small concession at the end of the question: "If your family has lived in Australia for MANY generations, you can still provide information on your ancestors and where your family's origins are from." Ummmm, what if you have no idea where the hell they came from, but you sort of assume they are from the UK? Should you just make something up?

Deep calming breaths.

¹One assumes they must be full blooded relatives, none of these half-relatives who are obviously not really family members at all.

You're the birthday boy or girl...

2005-07-03T11:34:00.000+10:00

Birthday greetings to my absent beloved!

8<------------------------------------------------

What is keeping us entertained in the school holidays (so far):

The Sims 2
ning po mahjong
go fish (although we're apparently playing it wrong!)
old maid

Back to regularly scheduled transmission on Wednesday.

i don't know any construction workers or nurses

2005-06-29T18:05:00.000+10:00

with thanks to Rowen

sounds just fab

2005-06-28T13:34:00.000+10:00

Words from my beloved via email:

It is hot and humid, we are here during the months when
the Sumatrans burn their forests so the entire sky is covered by a
horrid smog. The sun is visible in the morning as an orange ball
burning through the haze. Kind of like what you see in futuristic
sci-fi movies on planets that have a dying sun.

All in all, makes me quite pleased to be here in unsmoggy-Sydney
(hurrah for winter!)

<this post brought to you via email - which sucks because it doesn't like it when I include html tags in the text-only email, so I have to redo <blockquote> and such>

nice mummy

2005-06-27T19:09:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Pizza Hut, we are the proud owners of The Sims 2 and being the wonderful mummy that I am, I have sacrificed my computer so that my offspring may enjoy it (because no other computer in the house can handle it). It is excellent material for homework bribery - bwahahahaha.

Thus, once again, updates will be sporadic (thank you kindly to all seven of my readers for sticking with me).